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I have struggled with deep rooted self hate for as long as I can remember, but recently, I am learning to not hate myself as much. It has been years of work and I'm not quite there yet, but here is a thread of the things that I have done so far. I hope it helps someone.
I don't know what started the self hate but I know it's something I struggled with even as a little girl. I picked up humor because I felt like I needed to have something to offer and that was all I could afford. I didn't think I was beautiful or cool or anything good.
I think it's fantastic to be able to laugh at yourself, but when you tell jokes demeaning yourself which come from a place of hate, then there is a problem. A problem that would keep getting worse and increasing your self hate. Now, here are the things I did.
1. When I was about 7 years old, I fell and my front tooth broke in half. I felt so humiliated that I didn't even want to go to school the next day. I was too young to know that it was possible to fix it, but as soon as I found out, I started pestering my parents about it.
My mother didn't see the need to fix it and she tried to convince me that it looked good on me. She said it enhanced my beauty. I didn't believe it for a second, but what could I do? I lived with the tooth like that for 11 years. See below for how it looked 6 years ago.
As a child, I was relatively oblivious to the effect of it, but as I grew older, I became more conscious and more insecure. I remember being scared to open my mouth to speak when I met people, because I feared that whatever interest they had in me would immediately fade.
I remember how hard smiling for pictures was. I remember trying to run with the narrative that it made me unique, but you really cannot lie to yourself. In my third year, I found out that my NHIS in LUTH covered tooth filling. I hopped at it and got my tooth fixed! SEE BELOW!
I felt more confident and I wondered why I didn't get it fixed earlier. A year down the line, I noticed that the tooth was getting discolored, and my insecurity was awoken. I reached out to another dentist to get it fixed, and I did. Here's how it was before I fixed it.
Almost two years after and it's getting discolored again. I found out that the treatment I did is a relatively temporary one, so as soon as I am able to afford it conveniently, I plan to go for the slightly more expensive but permanent alternative. It has been 15 long years,
but hopefully, next year, my insecurity with my teeth would be fixed for good. If you hate something about yourself and you can fix it, please do. Unless it is dangerous, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. They won't be there where your insecurities are eating at you.
2. I have always been insecure about my body. Always felt like I was fat, even when I was quite skinny. I struggled with belly fat which was never so bad, but I convinced myself that it was the worst thing. Whenever I wore something tight, I would feel so self conscious.
I sucked in my belly for years. I am lactose intolerant and when I found out that milk made me purge, I would take a lot of milk just so I would purge and hopefully be skinnier. I did the same thing with zobo and peppery foods which also made me purge. I believe I was anorexic.
December last year, I went through a dark time and I was stress eating. I went up to about 67kg from like 58kg, and I completely lost it. Being 5'6", that was a pretty normal body weight, but I was convinced otherwise. I started exercising, and looking up surgery options.
My sister is pretty skinny and I always wanted to be like her. People always told me I had a tendency of being fat and it scared me. From like May-September, I employed unhealthy means, and I finally lost 15kg. I have never been happier with my body. January, November, December
I don't think it's alright to lose weight through unhealthy means, but it was either that or a rapidly growing self hate. At 52kg, I am slightly underweight, so I might have to give up thoughts of going down to 50kg. Although, I still feel fat, I know I am a lot skinnier now.
3. Acne never used to be something I worried about. Some months ago, I looked at old pictures and realized I had acne in them. I was oblivious to it back then, because it really didn't matter to me. I felt ugly with or without the acne anyway. About two years ago,
there was a sort of uproar about skincare on social media and I became more conscious of my acne. I tried some products, but I never did anything too serious. My sister had a chronic acne outbreak and I should have realized that it was hereditary then, but I just wanted to live!
December, last year, while I was adding all that weight, my acne became worse and my concern increased. My self hate spiked. I started using a lot of different products, but nothing gave me quite the desired result. I stopped and the acne got worse. Then things went south.
I would post pictures and get tons of dms about how I had acne and how I needed to take care of my skin. Did these people think I was blind? Or stupid? Or both? I nearly lost my mind. I wanted to visit an aesthetician but I couldn't comfortably afford it. Nothing was working.
I would cry to my sister severally. I had never hated myself as much as I did. I finally found a brand that worked for me. But for a few dark spots here and there, my skin is clearer than it has ever been. I still obsess over how it's not perfect yet, but it is no longer as bad.
Years of work have gone into making me learn to like myself. I appear to be very confident, but you don't know the half of the battles I fight within myself. One day, I would be genuinely and completely in love with myself, but, for now, I am proud of my growth.
I don't think I am the prettiest person, but I no longer believe that I am hideous. Be kind to people and try not to point out their flaws. You have no idea the demons they battle. If you are insecure about something, make an effort to change it. Practice positive self talk, even
if you don't believe it. Don't let everyone know so much about your insecurities because people are vile and cruel. Make conscious effort at self care. It will take a while, but, one day, you will love yourself, or, at least, start learning to. I hope you know you are not alone.
