Weekend Musings

Step by step guide on how to prove via SM photographs that you have embraced Class and crawled out of your Indian middle class origins and are ready to look down upon fellow Indians with that high society subtle and pretentious scoff and ‘OMG’!

Let’s go -

1. ‘The book I’m reading’ photograph isn’t about the book. It should have a frappe, cappuccino, anychino..basically any Barista level fancy stuff. Coz honestly neither you nor your friends understand or use French press or Colombian beans. An eatable, casually thrown around, but

make sure the label is visible. And it HAS to be some foreign brand of cookies, cheese, cake you picked up at your last Khan market visit and we’re saving for this photograph. Try Scandinavian brands. No one understands what’s written and everyone will assume it’s really fancy.

And all this should cover not more than 30-40% of space in your photograph. Rest should be of the ‘view’ of the localé which ‘ OMG I wasn’t even aiming at but it just came in picture’ kinda stuff. An opportunity to show your house, garden, hotel etc. Make sure the beverage is

in a big cup. Never China. That’s Middle class. Go for those heavy stone/ Earth shade ones that prove how you always prefer staying connected to ground but everyone know they are pretty costly at those fancy stores. You can also buy them from road side vendors and fool everyone.

2. Prefix/Suffix- ‘Bestest, Best ever, OMG’..ahead of everything you want to actually disassociate with. Like “OMG..this Namkeen is the bestest ever”. This will maintain your Marie Antoinette type aura that you’ve never eaten even Bhujiya Namkeen and first time you had it,

you’re so impressed. This is the grey area of ‘too classy but wanting to be simple’ you wanna continue manipulating.

3.Precise vocabulary proves you’re middle class and had to study hard to learn stuff. Stay vague an aristocratic by using few generic royal words like ‘Like,wow

cool, super’ etc etc. These add to your persona of having Eagle’s view of world and not bothering with petty things like words.

4. Relatives and non celebrity friends are liabilities. Stick to posing with and posting photographs with Celebs. If you’re going for the mature,

intellectual and classy vibe, get yourself invited to someone’s house who’s a little known in literally circles and get clicked, and then post saying ...”Oh Gosh, look at that. I didn’t even know someone was taking this picture with Somerset Maugham.” Don’t worry, people are

idiots. No one will care that even though you’re so aghast and shocked, yet you’re so keenly posting these pictures. You’re smart and keep the faith

5. Mention and show wine while you’re holding those goblets in your hand in the picture. Whiskey is middle class. Scotch is

also good but lot of scotch drinkers might ask you something and then you wouldn’t know. Cognac is beyond your cognitive grasp. Hence, Wine. Add Bordeaux ahead of anything and it’ll roll. There are millions of wine brands in the world and no one can know. It’s anyway drink of

Elite and the special strata of society.

6. Don’t ever be seen around Chhole Bhature, Tikki, Aaloo Matar etc etc. You know what I mean. Photoshop the damn thing if somehow it made it into your photograph. Always have cheese platter, Kebabs, any crap that’s not Indian. The more

confusing the name, better for you. Desi lot have somehow moved past the Gates of Pasta so it won’t sell anymore as the royal food you wanna associate yourself with. Again, don’t worry. People will never guess that you eat same old dal-roti at home. It’ll stay a secret

7. And finally, never miss an opportunity to capitalise on a Western holiday/Festival. Doesn’t matter if you don’t know why they celebrate Thanksgiving or Halloween. Don’t let all the education you gained from watching FRIENDS or HIMYM etc to waste by not celebrating. And the

beauty of it is, like all others like you, all you have to do it get a cake, shove a spiral candle in it, bring your face close to it and ‘CLICK’ happy Halloween/Thanksgiving/Independence day of Slovakia...anything. You can raise the bar by wearing a mask or painting your face

with white powder, making two vampire teeth and drops of blood..and you’re successfully part of the 99.99% of the cool people celebrating Halloween by dressing alike. Don’t worry, nobody is judging you for your lack of imagination. As long as you’ve managed to look like a

malnutrition affected Vampire from India during British era, you’ve made it

I think this should get u started. Stop worrying coz one can see past your facade. Everyone will be fooled by your well placed but - oh my God how did this Norwegian Cheese got here - stunt. Have

faith in planning and ability to prove that you’re not part of the crowd Coz you’ve started consuming the most basic n bourgeois food of countries devoid of spices, fruits etc, n had to attack others even for black pepper.
Best wishes. Let anything you do never go unposted

I forgot to add one more trick. Find a poor street vendor/Dhaba/Cab driver. Buy something and then ask him/her to make a blank face and take a nice picture. A little obscured so you can confidently drop“he was moved to tears when I told him I’m Hindu/ Muslim/rich blah blah”. Now

there’s a very fine line between showing off wannabe or genuine. So rather than selfie, take only his/her picture making him the focus n by default making yourself. Don’t worry, world is easily fooled. To add warmth, stay colloquial-Bhai, Babaji, Anna, Didi, Amma etc. Finally,

forget that you’re there to satisfy your capitalist needs. Turn your shopping or travel into an act of humanity that’s gonna save the world. And coax others to follow your path and subtly hint at their useless selfish non caring existence which you have shunned by buying just a

bunch of flowers after much bargaining or eating a plate of samosa. You can add extra flavour by throwing blame on Govt. Don’t ruin it by blaming God. That never helps. So you’re all set, ready to sparkle as the Metro Do-Gooder amongst the calamitous crowd of social influencers