I saw my family as normal, just like I did on Thanksgiving, and we are all fine.

You're being lied to, and you're torturing yourself rather than admit you've allowed yourself to be lied to. https://twitter.com/JustinMcElroy/status/1342677504163774465
You are stuck in the sunk-cost fallacy. You've given up so much already that you can't admit it's time let it go. It's like a bag of bricks. All you gotta do is put it down, man.
No, you aren't being lied to about the existence of a very serious illness. You, like the rest of us, were lied to that we had to conduct a massive social experiment in human solitude in order to fix it.
If you think the government will ever give you an "all clear" to go back to normal, they will not. You have to go back to normal first, and then they will pretend they were always going to let you go back to normal.
They weaponized panic into whatever this is now. You need to stop assuming everyone is going to kill you or you are going to kill everyone. You're not.

You can't keep living like this. Nobody can. Put the bricks down.
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