Hi men with female partners It’s XMas morning. Did you mess up and forget to fill her stocking or get her a present? Bad news. You should have done better.

This is a practical thread of some things you can do at this point to be a better adult and partner going forward.

First, start with a private apology (away from the crowd). This has a few parts:
- Acknowledge that you made a mistake
- Say you know this hurt her
- Don’t rationalize, excuse or explain yourself
- Say that you want to do better
- Say that you love her, but didn’t live up to that

Next, offer a few ways you can help make her life easier immediately. Women do so much labour over the holidays. You could clean the kitchen, tidy up all the wrapping, take parenting duty for the rest of the day, offer to cook, etc. Maybe make a list of thank you cards to send.

Please come up with ideas yourself, and ask if there’s anything else she’d prefer. Don’t ask her to make a list for you—knowing what tasks need doing and delegating them is labour! It’s not her job to run your life for you, you’re an adult (or at least you’re getting there).

If you have other things you normally do today for you—watching sports?; playing video games?; setting up your new presents?; I don’t really know what men do!—don’t do that. Cancel your personal plans and show up for her instead. Be present and participate in the holiday.

Most of all, give her space and time to rest, and to grieve the Christmas gift she was expecting from you. Let her scroll Instagram, go for a walk/run, call her friend(s), rant to her mom’s group on FB about you (moms groups are full of stories about men like you today).

Last thing before we’re done with the 25th: if you have kids, don’t make her do the emotional labour of explaining to them why she didn’t get a present from you or Santa. Tell them yourself that you messed up, and that she’s right to be angry at you, and that you’re sorry.

(This is good role modelling for dads to practice anyway, especially if you have sons. Boys need to see grown men apologizing.)

Apologize again before you go to bed. Repetition is important here.

And also: the work isn’t done just because you apologized and did one day of chores.

Use the week ahead to actually get her a thoughtful present.

This won’t solve the fact that you forgot, but it’s important.

A present is thoughtful if it’s connected to her interests or values. It’s not necessarily expensive, but it could be if she values expensive gifts! Do you know what her interests/hobbies are? If not, find out from her. Express interest. What does she want to do more of in 2021?

If your female partner doesn’t have hobbies, consider why that might be. Many women, especially mothers, are too busy juggling the domestic labour and childcare that you’re not helping with to have time/energy for their own interests. You need to do your part, man.

Are you able to make time for a hobby, like video games, watching sports, cycling, hockey, fitness, a home bar, collecting, or drinking (with or without friends)? It’s probably because your female partner is subsidizing your free time by doing all the chores and childcare.

If you’re able to make time for your own hobbies, but still forgot to get a present and stocking stuffers for her, what does that say about you? I think you are not a thoughtful or caring person, and you’re a bad partner, and you need to do better.

Very simply, you need to do your part around the house. Split up the childcare and domestic chores 50-50 when you’re both home (if your female partner stays home with the kids, that’s her job; same as your job). Share everything that needs to get done outside of 9-5 weekdays.

Let’s be clear: doing your share of domestic labour and childcare is not a present. Taking the kids for an afternoon is not a present. Cleaning the kitchen one time is not a present. You’re going to be an equal partner in this because you view yourself and her as equal partners.

Her present is her present. Get her a thoughtful present, even if it’s late. Per above, if you don’t know what her hobbies/interests are, ask and show interest. If she hasn’t had time for her own hobbies/interests in years, a good present is a vacation away from you and kids.

Do not, and I repeat DO NOT, get her something you would like for one of your hobbies/interests. Even if she’s expressed interest in it, even if she’s participated in it with you in the past. She deserves something just for her.

(A good thing to do if you have kids, especially if you have sons, is to involve them in your Christmas (and birthday, etc.) shopping. This shows them that shopping for presents is labour, and is expected, and is something to make time for.)

Okay so if you’ve apologized properly, and gotten her that present, and started to pick up your share of domestic labour and childcare consistently, the next thing is to do a good job at holidays going forward. There are really only a few things here.

1) New Years Eve is next. Think about what parts of your New Years tradition are important to you, and offer to do them this year. Ask we which parts are important to her, and if there’s anything she’d like you to help with. Make sure you communicate, and actually do them.

2) Valentines Day is coming up too. Come up with a few ideas yourself, and run them by her. Ask her if there’s anything she’d really like to do. In a normal year, you might make a reservation this week, but this year I’d suggest ordering fancy dinner in kits. Communicate.

3) When is her birthday? Does she usually organize her own party? Ask her what she’d like to do this year, and again put in a few ideas yourself (because delegating is work!). Maybe offer to set up a zoom call with her friends and family? Come up with a guest list and show her!

4) Okay last thing: put a reminder in your calendar to start Christmas shopping on Nov 15, and a deadline in your calendar to be done by Dec 15. Again, offer some parts of the holiday tradition you’d like to do this year (gifts for family and kids is a good one). Communicate!

Okay that’s all I’ve got. Men with female partners, if you celebrate Christmas please don’t leave her giftless next Christmas morning. Women do 99% of domestic labour, emotional labour and childcare, and it’s not fair. We need to do better! We need to be responsible partners.

And you have my full permission to share this thread with any man who needs to see it.