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one million years ago a good day to die hard (die hard 5) came out. at the time i was running a usy youth group filled with teenage boys and they all wanted to see a movie as a group activity so i was like well i know what i want to see and that is die hard 5. problem though.
these kids did not know what die hard is. they don't understand that this is a franchise, an absolute treasure, a piece of americana. they don't want to see die hard. they want to see some other trash that teenage boys like. but i am me. and i want to see die hard.
so at the next time we have an event i say we're doing a movie night in honor of the upcoming winter break where we will watch the best christmas movie ever, eat chocolates, and talk about hanukkah. they think we're watching the nightmare before christmas.
that was a lie. i wanted to watch die hard. i did get them a ton of chocolate and other kosher snacky foods. do you know about pretzel m&ms? amazing. such a product. i get them tons of that and i already have a dvd of die hard so that's not an issue.
the kids all settle in and i put on the movie, the original 1988 classic die hard, which is indisputably the best christmas movie of all time. the teens are absolutely perplexed. they have QUESTIONS. first of all how did that man get a gun on a plane? also who is that man?
it's like watching a movie with my mother. i have to pause the movie every 30 seconds to explain what life was like before 9/11. i have to explain who bruce willis is because they don't recognize him with hair. i have to explain that he was the biggest deal.
what's going on with this office holiday party? everyone is acting weird. well kids, there was a time called the 80s when everyone worked in sky scrappers, did cocaine, and didn't sue for sexual harassment. what is this rated they want to know? it is rated r i tell them.
i spend A LOT of time explaining to the teens that in 1988 this was a racy movie! hold on they say, who is that german man. we recognize him. that's alan rickman. who? that's snape. OHHHHH. is this really rated r? is this a scary movie? they start getting nervous.
gotta promise these kids that i would not show them a movie they couldn't handle and that this is their birthright as jews to watch die hard during the holiday season. they settle in again. they don't laugh at a single joke in the entire movie. they take it seriously.
the logistical questions keep coming. was it really like this in 80s? when you called 911 was that really what happened? then they start telling me what they would do if they were john. this is my favorite part.
they cannot conceive of a world where this whole situation is not shut down in 20 minutes or less. their reality has NO space for die hard (1988). they ask how long the movie is and start getting freaked out that they're going to have to watch this stupidity play out.
idk what to say. i wanted us to see die hard 5 as a youth group. i thought we would bond over the love of die hard and how bruce willis can carry a stunning series of action films. I THOUGHT WE COULD ALL GET A CRUSH ON MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD TOGETHER. nope.
this was a betrayal in their eyes. i made them watch die hard. a movie they could neither understand nor appreciate and they absolutely refused to make a trip to an actual theater to see die hard 5.
in their defense they were right. die hard 5 is incoherent and terrible. they probably would have loved it.
