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Hard Christmas Conversations
This year, I’ve spoken to a lot of people who have intimated that they could see no hope, no happiness, no light in their future. I just had someone else tell me the same.
(LONG thread)
This year, I’ve spoken to a lot of people who have intimated that they could see no hope, no happiness, no light in their future. I just had someone else tell me the same.
(LONG thread)
This is a difficult conversation. Because, I’ve been there. I’ve been there literally more times than I can count. And, I know, there’s nothing you can show someone in the grip of that situation to change their perspective.
Generally, people like to say it gets better. This is true. But, it also gets worse again. And, in the midst of the darkness, it’s hard to see the point of pushing through just to land back in the darkness again. Fighting again.
Until this year, I had two key tactics for holding on that I relied upon pretty heavily. Firstly, I just focused on another second, another minute longer, with the faith that these feelings would pass in time.
Secondly, I thought of the damage my loss would cause to people who loved me. I may not want to live. I may not want to fight. But, I didn’t want to inflict trauma and guilt on all those around me.
These worked, for a long time. Then, they didn’t. Know why? It’s only fighting for survival. It’s only living for others. And, it means you’ll never find the love to truly sustain your spirit. It’s just holding on.
This year, I realised I had to fight for myself. And, I developed three new techniques. They’re not faultless. I still face dark times. But, I’m facing fewer of them. And, the bright spots are getting brighter.
For the people who see no hope, no light, no happiness - here’s what I’ve been doing.
1. Ditch The Filter
I’ve spent my whole life trying to make other people more comfortable around me. As a result, I always filtered my pain into digestible shit. I thought, if I was my full self, I wouldn’t have anyone.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to make other people more comfortable around me. As a result, I always filtered my pain into digestible shit. I thought, if I was my full self, I wouldn’t have anyone.
But, this year, the dam broke. And, I couldn’t contain my pain, my anger, my despair, my disappointment. And, you know what? I found more people. When you show your true colours, you find your true community.
Now, people always view True Colours as some naturally beautiful shit. But, they can be weird, ugly, vicious, ferocious shit. That’s part of life and it’s part of you. And, some people will see yours and go - yo, me fucking too.
But, if you’re constantly trying to water it down, they’ll never see you and you’ll never see them. Be you. Be the ugly, fucked, weird, despairing, impossible you. You’ll lose people - but you’ll find the ones to make life worth living.
2. Get Help - For Everything
Something I’ve seen a couple of times this year: ‘Independence is a trauma response; you’ve been so let down by other people that you’ve become hyper-independent, so as to never feel that hurt’.
Something I’ve seen a couple of times this year: ‘Independence is a trauma response; you’ve been so let down by other people that you’ve become hyper-independent, so as to never feel that hurt’.
For me, this meant I had to figure out everything on my own. Diet, exercise, mental health, everything. And, when I crashed, the most revolutionary idea a doctor hit me with was - hey, here’s another two doctors.
Now, you may not be able to afford or manage that shit. But, the important thing is to understand a fundamental truth that you and I forgot - if something is hard, it is TOTALLY OKAY to get help.
Fuck what you’re ‘supposed to’ be good at. Fuck what you’re ‘supposed to’ be on top of. If it’s fucking hard, reach out, get help. One of the major things to help me this year? Asking my sister to help with grocery shopping.
My ADHD meant I had real difficulty managing the task each week. And then, I’d run out of food, I’d eat shit, my mood would spiral, I’d get to dark places. All because I thought I had to be able to do this on my own.
Get help - for anything, for everything. If you don’t have the money or the friends, do a barter. Do a swap. We can figure it out. But, this idea of ‘I have to make it on my own’? Fuck that off.
3. Be Awesome - Stupid, Ridiculously Awesome
Think about something you’ve wanted to do. Something you’ve wanted to be. Something ridiculous. Something impossible. Something you could never do. Then, go and figure out how the fuck to do it.
Think about something you’ve wanted to do. Something you’ve wanted to be. Something ridiculous. Something impossible. Something you could never do. Then, go and figure out how the fuck to do it.
In the midst of a suicidal episode, I was hit with this sad and scary realisation: At no point in my adult life have I feared death. Whenever I’ve been close to death, I’ve always been of a mind that the rest would be nice.
I realised, I’ve never felt I had a life worth fighting for - a life I would hate to lose. And, I went, you know fucking what? Let’s change that. Hence, skateboarding. Hence, singing more. Hence, haircuts and tattoos.
Think of your fucking superhero. Your fucking idol. Then, be that. Forget about whether it’ll look good. Forget about whether you’ll be good at it. Just go and be the ridiculous, embarrassing fantasy version of yourself.
In all three of these tactics, you’ll notice a thread - ‘enough’ is not enough. When we’re traumatised, we are conditioned to make do on the least we can get. We are battered into the belief we cannot have more.
Across all these tactics, there’s a central message of - FUCK THAT NOISE. At every chance you get, challenge the idea of what you deserve and what you need to survive. Ask for more. Be too much.
Yeah, MAYBE, you’ll turn into an asshole. Certainly, some people will tell you that. But, honestly, assholes don’t ask if they deserve more than the minimum. Assholes don’t settle for survival.
I think, if you fight for more space in your life, you’ll probably still be the great person that you are right now. You’ll just be fucking happier. And, that’s fucking important. That matters.
That’s what I’ve learned this year. It’s been helpful. If you’re sitting here on Christmas Day and staring at all the happiness and thinking ‘Well, not for me’, maybe those three tactics can help you too.
Don’t fight to survive. Fight to LIVE.
Don’t let anyone stop you.
I love you. Merry Christmas.
Don’t let anyone stop you.
I love you. Merry Christmas.
