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Re: ADHD
If I hadn't already been thru more than one complete burnout executive function collapse, I would probably think my brain was completely broken forever.
If that's what you are thinking, I am writing this for you.
So. Burnout, total collapse.
Let's talk about it.
If I hadn't already been thru more than one complete burnout executive function collapse, I would probably think my brain was completely broken forever.
If that's what you are thinking, I am writing this for you.
So. Burnout, total collapse.
Let's talk about it.
The pressures of the pandemic plus my job plus some extra life stuff have left me in a place where my brain is not working like it usually does.
It's barely working at all.
It's QUIET.
That is _frightening_.
It's barely working at all.
It's QUIET.
That is _frightening_.
It was not my choices that led to burnout. This time.
And I am angry, so very angry at the people who have abused my hyperfocus, who have used fake deadlines to ruin me, who have caused my brain to be this smoking wreck of nothing that can't do anything.
I cry about it. A lot.
And I am angry, so very angry at the people who have abused my hyperfocus, who have used fake deadlines to ruin me, who have caused my brain to be this smoking wreck of nothing that can't do anything.
I cry about it. A lot.
It's especially hard when my entire worth is built around producing these mental miracles that no one else can do.
Because I _know_ that's the only reason I get to stay in certain spaces.
Because people don't want to deal with my ADHD brain unless it's -useful- to them.
Because I _know_ that's the only reason I get to stay in certain spaces.
Because people don't want to deal with my ADHD brain unless it's -useful- to them.
I _must_ be USEFUL.
Because god knows, people are quick to let me know that otherwise, I am Too Much.
I am annoying and weird and too loud and too excited and too... everything.
People have been telling me they don't want me around my whole life.
Not unless I am USEFUL
Because god knows, people are quick to let me know that otherwise, I am Too Much.
I am annoying and weird and too loud and too excited and too... everything.
People have been telling me they don't want me around my whole life.
Not unless I am USEFUL
It's painful.
And it's LONELY.
And it's LONELY.
And it's even more lonely without my life's constant companion-- all my weird brain thoughts.
I don't like the quiet.
It's way way too quiet in here.
I don't like the quiet.
It's way way too quiet in here.
Right now, even with Adderall, I am getting about 2 hours of normal (for me) focus in a 24 hour day.
Which is better than a few weeks ago, when the amount was zero.
Which is better than a few weeks ago, when the amount was zero.
So what is the solution?
Time.
Only time will help.
Time to stare at a wall and do nothing.
Even thru the pain and the constant rejection and the shrieking frustration of it all... the only thing that ever helps this shit is waiting it out.
Time.
Only time will help.
Time to stare at a wall and do nothing.
Even thru the pain and the constant rejection and the shrieking frustration of it all... the only thing that ever helps this shit is waiting it out.
You can't keep driving a car with no oil in it.
And you can't keep putting pressure on a brain that has gone into collapse.
You have to treat it like a sprained ankle, and get OFF the thing long enough to let it heal.
And you can't keep putting pressure on a brain that has gone into collapse.
You have to treat it like a sprained ankle, and get OFF the thing long enough to let it heal.
It WILL heal.
I've been thru this.
I know it will heal.
I don't know when. But I know it will.
I've been thru this.
I know it will heal.
I don't know when. But I know it will.
Friends, please be gentle with yourselves.
Treat yourself like you would treat a beloved.
Because _I_ love you.
Because people with ADHD are WONDERFUL.
Treat yourself like you would treat a beloved.
Because _I_ love you.
Because people with ADHD are WONDERFUL.
The only promise I can make you is that it won't be like this forever.
But I can promise you that.
Be well.
Protect yourself from the neurotypical world.
You don't need to be useful, you just need to BE.
That's enough.
But I can promise you that.
Be well.
Protect yourself from the neurotypical world.
You don't need to be useful, you just need to BE.
That's enough.
