CN dysphoria, transition, passing

A little thread about why I like the idea of doing drag, how masculinity has become something liberating and empowering for me, why I sometimes enjoy he/him pronouns coming from close friends & why I am looking into getting a binder, beards etc.

When I finally accepted that I wasn't cis, I only knew I was done trying to be a cis dude. That was so clear and so relieving to accept that it was enough to start me on my transition. In the beginning it was just "I guess non-binary cause not a dude but also not really a girl".

After a while I settled on trans girl/woman because that's what made sense. That felt safe and clear and was something I could imagine. It described things well enough and so I latched onto it. And damn, I pushed hard. I went full steam ahead, trying desperately to get there.

It worked. It got me away from what I needed to get away from. It got me away from masculinity and from being read as a dude. I enjoyed some of it, but in hindsight, I realize how much of it was in order to give me external validation. I presented femme so others would see me.

But you know what? It was exhausting. It was a constant stressor, something I constantly had to DO. I was so anxious to have everyone see and acknowledge my femininity. Every time someone didn't get it, it hurt. It hurt so bad. I kept wondering what I had done wrong.

With time I got to the point where I didn't have to push to get that validation. Where I could just throw on some jeans and a sweater and be fine. Being read as feminine and as a woman wasn't something I had to fight for anymore. I could just exist and it was the default.

The best thing my transition has given me over the past months, is not that though. It is that I honestly don't care anymore. That I don't need others to acknowledge or even understand my gender anymore. I am finally comfortable with myself and don't need the external validation.

When people mess up now, it doesn't feel like MY mistake anymore. It is THEIRS now. THEY fuck up when they don't get it and it doesn't affect how secure and comfortable I feel in myself and my gender anymore. I finally get to just do me and present the way I want to for myself.

He/him pronouns went from being a huge fear of mine and something incredibly painful to hear to just another tool in my gender fuckery tool box. They are like hot sauce. Terribly painful as your only form of sustenance, but amazing as a special note, adding flavour to my life.

The went from feeling oppressive to feeling liberating. Because while they used to be something forced onto me, now they are something I have agency over. I can chose them and enjoy them and I can leave them aside when I don't want them. They don't negate who I am anymore.

I love the beard filter on snap camera because when I use it it makes me feel like I look like a woman with a beard instead of looking like a dude in a dress. The signifiers have completely shifted as the context of my body & person has changed. For the first time, I have agency.

Because I feel, look and sound the way I feel like I am supposed to feel, look and sound, everything else has become a choice. It has become something I get to play with, enjoy and set aside as I need to. It is incredibly liberating and empowering.

I was going to work on a drag show this year. With covid and everything else, I haven't really, but I am incredibly excited to do drag in the future. To get a nice beard and learn how to do contouring and to put together a persona. I just have to come up with a name for him.

@inanna_nalytica put it perfectly last night: I get to code masculinity as something artificial for me. Something fun and empowering because it is not who I am anymore, it is not whom others force me to be. It is something I chose to present and perform when I feel like it.