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Shout out to all the folks who found LOVE in 2020. 
I was just sharing some things Iâve learned with someone close to me, I want to impart a couple thoughts here.
This is based on my 12+ year relationship (married for 8) with @polotek.
I was just sharing some things Iâve learned with someone close to me, I want to impart a couple thoughts here.
This is based on my 12+ year relationship (married for 8) with @polotek.
I think itâs best to think of marriage and long-term committed partnerships as âlifelong romantic friendships.â
People often try to make love stand for so much more than that. Donât do it. You will be disappointed in the long run.
Iâll tell you why...
People often try to make love stand for so much more than that. Donât do it. You will be disappointed in the long run.
Iâll tell you why...
Itâs not really fair to expect a person who is not yourself to be âeverythingâ to you. Humans need a lot of things.
In reality, the key to obtaining everything you want from this life â love, success, happiness, whatever â is YOU.
Donât make someone else responsible for it.
In reality, the key to obtaining everything you want from this life â love, success, happiness, whatever â is YOU.
Donât make someone else responsible for it.
That said, itâs completely natural for people early in a relationship to do all the âabove and beyondâ things.
Itâs part of falling in love. Youâre cementing trust and care for one another. That happens through doing things for each other and showing up when the other needs it.
Itâs part of falling in love. Youâre cementing trust and care for one another. That happens through doing things for each other and showing up when the other needs it.
But the âabove and beyondâ life is not really sustainable forever.
Eventually you get exhausted (it takes a lot of energy!) or you realize one day that youâre giving up parts of yourself that you donât want to lose.
You just settle into who you are more naturally. Guard down.
Eventually you get exhausted (it takes a lot of energy!) or you realize one day that youâre giving up parts of yourself that you donât want to lose.
You just settle into who you are more naturally. Guard down.
Clarifying that âabove and beyondâ life is marked by how often you do all the extra stuff.
Later in the relationship, you do/should still go above and beyond. Just with less frequency.
Later in the relationship, you do/should still go above and beyond. Just with less frequency.
Itâs a lot of energy trying to be someoneâs elseâs âeverything.â
We tend to expect our partners to complete something that we are missing inside.
And they can help us do that sometimes. But there will be many, many, many times where they just canât.
We tend to expect our partners to complete something that we are missing inside.
And they can help us do that sometimes. But there will be many, many, many times where they just canât.
This comes in hot at the guard down/naturally you/end of the honeymoon stage. This is when relationship-defining tensions set in.
If together long enough, you will develop a âcore sceneâ which is the basic seed of a thing that you will argue about for maybe your entire lives.
If together long enough, you will develop a âcore sceneâ which is the basic seed of a thing that you will argue about for maybe your entire lives.
When conflicts happen, remember what I taught you 
https://twitter.com/operaqueenie/status/1320063088607981568
https://twitter.com/operaqueenie/status/1320063088607981568
When you feel that deep frustration, anger, or disappointment, itâs an opportunity to look inward.
WHY does it feel like this person is keeping you from feeling whole, or blocking some âpromised landâ?
(footnote: this is based on the assumption of a healthy relationship)
WHY does it feel like this person is keeping you from feeling whole, or blocking some âpromised landâ?
(footnote: this is based on the assumption of a healthy relationship)
Iâve found that most of the time, the thing Iâm so frustrated about that my partner is not giving me, is something that I can give to myself.
And THATâS what marriage can help you discover. How to be the YOU that you need and want to be.
And THATâS what marriage can help you discover. How to be the YOU that you need and want to be.
Your partner is your best mirror to show you who you are, and where youâre coming up short. But you have to want to see it.
So when I said earlier that YOU are the key to everything, itâs because a successful partnership will come from your ability to learn, grow, and change.
So when I said earlier that YOU are the key to everything, itâs because a successful partnership will come from your ability to learn, grow, and change.
If both of you are committed to each other, willing and able to grow, showing up, investing in each other, and doing the work on yourselves.... youâll be good.
Once pieces of that fall away, the relationship is in trouble.
Itâs not easy. But thatâs what it takes.
Once pieces of that fall away, the relationship is in trouble.
Itâs not easy. But thatâs what it takes.
Good addition from Anna: you have to COMMUNICATE.
Iâve fallen into this trap myself. https://twitter.com/annajmcdougall/status/1342154686275723264
Iâve fallen into this trap myself. https://twitter.com/annajmcdougall/status/1342154686275723264
Another major âaha!â moment for me was when I understood that I was extending my own reality to be his. Itâs unfair.
When you are listening to your partner or observing their actions, you have to remember that *they are not you.*
When you are listening to your partner or observing their actions, you have to remember that *they are not you.*
They have not lived the same experiences. They donât think the same thoughts.
Thus, they wonât respond to a situation or think of it exactly the same as you.
You have to respect *their* reality, and that itâs REAL to them. Even if you sometimes donât agree/understand it.
Thus, they wonât respond to a situation or think of it exactly the same as you.
You have to respect *their* reality, and that itâs REAL to them. Even if you sometimes donât agree/understand it.
When navigating differences with your partner (or any other human, honestly), your goal should be to create a âshared realityâ where both of your understandings of the world align. https://twitter.com/operaqueenie/status/1131563850816376833
