I haven't had a drink in eight months & 24 days.

But lately, I find myself wanting one.

I stopped drinking in March after a couple of weeks of lockdown because of the pandemic because I noticed how one drink became two became three and sometimes more.

I was using alcohol to cope, which I have before, & to turn my brain off at the end of the day.

I knew this was a bad plan, so I decided to stop.

I've never been a heavy drinker, but I have quit drinking several times over the years for long stretches of time.

But it was an easy habit to fall into and a harder habit to fall out of.

So, lately, I can feel the urge to drink to escape from the pandemic, from my dad's decline due to Stage 4 cancer, from the stress of lockdown, from the constant anxiety, from a whole host of other things.

It's also the stress of the holidays, especially this year, and contemplating how this might be my dad's last Christmas and feeling guilty because there are so many folks who lost loved ones this year.

Which means I find myself thinking, Maybe, I should have one drink.

But, I know it won't be just one, and I know that it won't turn out well for me.

Drinking isn't coping; it's escaping from all the things that I don't want to deal with.

So, instead of having a drink, I'm trying to deal with all of the things weighing on me and feeling my fucking feelings about them, which does suck.

But, it's not the time for me to escape. There's too much I have to be present for.

All of this to say, if you're out there struggling to not drink or stay sober, I understand and you aren't alone.

Also, I'm doing okay, friends.

Things are just a lot right now.