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TW: Pregnancy Loss.
25% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. That number didn't seem like much until I was looking down at two little pink lines.
25% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. That number didn't seem like much until I was looking down at two little pink lines.
We were filled with emotion - excitement and joy, anxious anticipation of being parents...and then the fear started. Suddenly, that statistic - 1 in 4 - was on my mind constantly. I couldn't shake it. Surely it couldn't be that common when no one *ever* talks about it?
Looking back, I think I knew, or my body knew. Somehow. So when my GP brightly said "Congratulations!", opened my blood results, and her face fell, it came as not such a surprise.
I'm a doctor, a medical professional. I know what a miscarriage is, in theory. But nothing could have prepared me for what it actually felt like. The fact that, as a society we completely ignore and erase this incredibly common trauma left me totally overwhelmed by it.
We are instructed - don't tell anyone you're pregnant. Just in case. So the first my parents knew of the existence of their grandchild was after they were already gone. That is so, so, unbearably sad.
I am incredibly grateful for @jboggsie and @kindofsquishy. I told Kelsey before anyone else and said next time I'll try not to get so excited. She said "it’s ok to feel excited for something even if bad things happen". It was the single best thing anyone could have done for me.
So here it is. My baby is gone. We are devastated, but we are alive and we will try again. In the meantime, this thread is to help me to heal, and hopefully to help other folks going through the same or similar. You are not alone.
This is something that happens, a lot. It is sad as hell. But it is real and I hope that if we talk about it more, it might not be such a scary, unknown time for those experiencing it. Losing a baby is awful enough as it is without it being kept a secret or a taboo.
Josh and I are so grateful to our friends right now for supporting us through this. And for me, he has been the perfect partner. My heart is full of love for him and I am so lucky. It's a bittersweet reminder of how incredible he is.
If anyone would like to talk to me about it in future my door is open. for now, have a happy, healthy holiday and look after each other. Love you.