Thread by @The_Ada_Rhodes, When I was at Baylor for my undergrad I was really trying [...]

When I was at Baylor for my undergrad I was really trying my best to make the "effeminate gay man" thing work as long as possible, but whenever I'd get too drunk at a party I would end up in a dress dancing or floating in a swimming pool in a bikini

I was very aware when I was a kiddo that I was a girl and when I was really little I would dress up as Madeline and I often had "girlfriends" in grade school because when you look like a little boy and are a close friend with girls everyone projects heterosexuality into it

On memory that sticks with me strongly was walking the mile in 7th grade with the other weird kids in PE and telling *Redacted* who was in 9th grade that I felt like a girl, but like a lesbian girl? Not a boy
And she said that couldn't be a thing and I must just be gay

She was like one of the only queer people I knew and was older so I partially assumed she must be right

Another moment that really stuck with me was a boy scout camp out two years later

I was 15 and working on becoming an eagle scout and serving as my troops Chaplains Aide

I was asked to go into town with one of the adults to get some stuff for a Sunday morning service

While driving through the middle of nowhere with a large and intimidating man I was told that I had to choose
I could either be a girl or a boy scout

I wasn't ready to be a girl but I wasn't sure I wanted to be a boy scout anymore, so I slowly backed away and never completed my eagle scout

A few months later I would lose my virginity to a boy, who was also the first boy I made out with while in 8th grade

His parents found out and he stopped talking to me and shortly after that I was with a girl for the first time

None of the sex I had at that time was particularly enjoyable, it was largely exploration and over the rest of high school I continued to explore with mostly boys and a few girls

Another really important thing was happening in Highschool though

During elementary and middle school I had a lot of female friends, but there was always this barrier created by the expectations of heterosexuality that meant we couldn't get to close

But that was changing

As various rumors about me spread and I came out to more people I was suddenly allowed to be closer to the girls and very quickly I fell into a click of weird, brilliant, creative girls that I would have lunch with and hang out with and blast music with and I became one of them

These friends gave me the thing I cherish most, my girlhood
Misspent on gossip, trashy novels, David Tennent obsession, and shout singing Lady Gaga out car windows

One of those girls had become my friend at a Theater camp when we were 12, but we became very close in Highschool and she is one of my oldest and best friends

We talk on the phone regularly while eating taco bell (we call it Talko Bell)

This girl also listened to me talk about my feelings of feminity and desire to be a girl and was the first person to understand

Senior year I met my first serious boyfriend, we dated on and off for 6 years

I also talked with him about gender stuff, but he was less understanding
Saying he was gay and didn't want to be with a girl but also that he loved me and we could make it work if I just stayed a boy for now

It helped that the sex was great and I was young and had time

I went to Baylor, had a big gay riot, became the unexpected face of an unsanctioned queer student group and as a result felt pressured to conform to an image
I couldn't be a lump of clothing and long hair
I had to present a more homonormative image

Or at least I thought I did

We are back to where we started with me getting drunk and dancing in dresses and wearing borrowed bikinis in hot tubs

I had trans friends because of my work with @baylor_gay but I knew I couldn't transition there because it felt like it would betray everyone

One heartbreaking moment that sticks with me was cuddling a trans boy I had a crush on (still do) and him saying "if only you were a girl"

Grad school came and I ended up living in Colorado with my High School boyfriend
We were going to get married but I knew I wanted to get married in a wedding dress
There was therapy, self acceptance, coming out, violence, and being told I "killed the boy he loved"

I moved to Oregon, grew into the woman I am today, and finished my PhD

I fell in love with a butch girl along the way and also for the first time fell in love with myself

I graduated, grew up a bit more, lost the girl, found another, lost that one too, and eventually moved to Texas in the middle of a global pandemic

As trans people our lives and histories can feel complicated and winding and indirect, but in the end we are moving towards truth
Towards self love and compassion
Towards happiness

You are not lost and never were, you just took the scenic root

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