a close loved one called me yesterday for my birthday. our conversation twisted and turned and at one point they asked me, a little embarrassed, about the difference between being a lesbian and being queer — which led to a discussion of how we are all always learning

when lgbtq+ people come out, we aren’t just given a dictionary or a guidebook or a syllabus or a reading list

it’s more like a choose your own adventure wilderness. and knowing what works for you isn’t necessarily knowing what works for others. curiosity is always essential.

queers are often our loved ones' guidebook. something that i have tried to communicate to my own family is how much i am also still learning and have had to learn, and how much the language they have absorbed from me is, in fact, *my* language.

something i said yesterday was that the way i define "lesbian" and "queer" are not necessarily how other people would! that these words, by virtue of being against and outside of and disrupting heteronormativity, have undefined, limitless boundaries.

queer is undefinable.

i also feel strongly about sharing with my loved ones that i am also learning and hope to never stop — but also, that being queer does not mean i never fuck up friends' pronouns or new names, or forget that someone is now identifying in a new way. i make mistakes, too.

shame is easy.

vulnerability is hard.

refusing binary categories and heteronormative ways of thinking that believe there is one single definition for everything, and creating newer, richer alternatives: that is a lifelong journey.