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how do I stop my kid talking like a YouTuber? He's 5 and looks up to these weasels with their crass language and "man on speed" way of talking.
I'd even be willing to block YouTube for me to block it for him. He told me he wants "merch". I asked, "what is merch?" HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.
And before you tell me to take away his devices, he found a way to a web browser in our LG tv... it isn't going to be that simple. He's wiley when it gets him screen time.
He literally crawled through a window to get into my office, and then put the lock on privacy mode so we couldn't get to him.
This would all be easier if he wasn't doing Kindergarten on a screen for several hours per day. He's like Gollum with the ring hissing and spitting when it's time to close his computer.
Over the holidays we are doing a total break from screens apart from family movies. While I was cleaning he got my phone and was taking photos (innocent, right?). Well, now he's recording his own streamer-style videos. And he sounds like the obnoxious YouTuber he most idolizes.
Parenting is so hard. I needed to clean the house. It looked like a bomb had gone off, this wasn't *extra* cleaning. And within the time that took, he's found a way back to screens. 
Also, nerds, if they share your interests, your kids twill be better than you at tech waaaaay sooner than you think.
For example, he discovered he could still watch YouTube after I restricted wifi on his devices to certain hours, as long as he started the video before the wifi hiatus and just let the next video play. SUPER annoying bug.
The thing is, he will try EVERY setting. And exploit any opportunity. He already hacked me and two babysitters to get access to our devices. He's found out all the codes to the tv and has now set some of his own. He's 5. He's got nothing but time.
Bwahahaha! Fml. He broke into the car because the Tesla has a web browser. He found twitch and watched streamers... yes, in the chat they are talking about âbustingâ and are casually sexually harassing the streamer. Tesla does not allow me to turn this off.
Today heâs pinging servers to try and debug my wifi restrictions, âmama, I figured out how to open Linux. How do I send a message to other computers?â I should stop helping him learn (to save myself), but itâs so damn cute.
How did he even learn the word Linux?? He means bash.
Ah ha, this is how he learned the word Linux. He only learned to read in late July! This has significantly escalated things because previously he was hampered by bugs in screen readers â that he had also figured out how to turn on to make up for not reading... Iâm screwed.
Nope. Santa is screwed. Heâs hooking up a nest cam *inside* the Christmas tree. At least he didnât hide his plans from me! Instead weâre co-conspirators. 
He asked the google assistant if the tooth fairy exists and it basically told him no. It would be nice if he believed in the tooth fairy long enough to lose at least one tooth... but maybe more importantly this kid will *tell* all his friends.
It would be nice if he believed in the tooth fairy long enough to lose at least one tooth... but maybe more importantly this kid will *tell* all his friends.
In case he just sounds devilish, he also told me in all seriousness that heâs a âbox-itectâ an architect whose medium is cardboard boxes. Lol. Heâs such a joy too.
Update: we talked about why I donât like the streamers. From racism and sexism to trying so hard to get everyoneâs attention. I also talked about how unkind they are... always tricking their friends.
He said he really just wants to play minecraft. I said, Iâd rather he played minecraft too. When I asked if he could stop on his own, he replied, âno mama, can you block them?â So yeah, I still need to block them for him, but at least weâre on the same page.
As a result, I let him play an hour of Minecraft and was reminded why I set a limit on it in the first place. He must have asked me 10,000x in the following 24 hours what he should build in minecraft. 
Today the 5yo took the nuclear option. He âpower washedâ his laptop to evade parental controls. I suspect Iâll be corresponding regularly with the family link customer support team so I added it to my Home Screen. 
Arrghhh, he found his way around my WI-FI restrictions in less than 2 weeks. He connected to one of those Xfinity wifi access points.
He connected to one of those Xfinity wifi access points.
We talked about how that counts as âsneaking screen timeâ and he asked me to talk to his teacher about blocking other wifi. Then, when we started to write to his teacher to ask, he totally melted down. Poor kid.
I thought xfinity required a password?? Meh.
I thought xfinity required a password?? Meh.
Ok, temporary fix. I set the name servers for the xfinity network to localhost. This wonât hold him off for long. We might need to go back to locking up the laptop. Heâs pretty honest with me, telling me he canât stop himself and needs my help.
Fwiw, Iâm also trying positive replacements for screen time. Weâre building a windmill to generate electricity after reading âthe boy who harnessed the windâ. And weâre playing chess to give him a competitive outlet. https://twitter.com/stubbornella/status/1353437747067801600
Oh and weâve started doing big movement stuff after screen time to let all that excess energy out.
Oh dear, latest shenanigans: I heard him turn on the screen reader on the tv so he could set it to a different wifi network to evade parental controls. I removed the chrome tv thingy for a week as a consequence. His response: next time I wonât use the screen reader. 
Heâs now lost screens for a week 3 times over. They arenât sequential but itâs still hard to see how heâll ever get screens back.
My goodness, it could be worse! https://twitter.com/clarabellum/status/1355324633331990530
