I have some thoughts that became a thread. Christmas takes on a new kind of meaning when you have kids, but as a mum of two (aged 2 and 3) I've realised it is waaay too easy to prioritise the joy of others while completely neglecting your own.

Especially in a year like 2020 when you won't see your pals, haven't got relatives coming to help out, can't do much for yourself. I was meant to be on a writer's retreat last week as a reward for a busy year in my businesses LOLOLOLOL.

"Traditional" Christmas activities can be a big stretch with small kids and I'm feeling extra pressure to make everything SUPER MAGICAL MEMORY MAKING. Baking = stress, I do it because I love biscuits not because I love dough on the floor.

Family christmas movie time? The attention span isn't there for the classics, we all end up doing different things. But they do love The Snowy Day and Angela's Christmas, both about 40 mins.

Christmas crafts that I imagined they would love litter every surface half-finished and abandoned. Evenings walks to see Christmas lights? That is dangernap and "caaaarry meeeee" territory.

They are OFF THE CHARTS excited. Constant noise. Literally running around chanting "CHRISTMAS IS THE BEST! CHRISTMAS IS THE BEST!" (Thanks @HEYDUGGEE x) I made the mistake of putting a few presents under the tree and so...

There also just isn't the time I used to have (duh). The break isn't really a break for either me or my partner. I once spent 3 days between Christmas and NY in bed reading The Goldfinch. Do you know how much I'd love to do that again?

In terms of my joy? I've come to accept you have to make your own, and often, and spread it out as much as you can. So here are some things helping me get through:

I eat the things I want to eat. I made a platter of party food for lunch the other day because why not. I like to plan a fancy cocktail for Fri/Sat so I have something to look forward to. I make Hot Chocolate AN EVENT.

I take midday, candlelit baths while my girls are at nursery (mainly because I'm worried they won't be for much longer ).

I baked a production line of cheese crackers and rosemary shortbread (blissfully, without the kids) and spent a few hours doing doorstep deliveries to pals which felt sociable but safe and very much in the festive spirit.

I planted things. Spring bulbs in a border. Garlic in pots. I bought an amaryllis bulb from Lidl, a stubby wee thing that in less than 2 months turned into this beauty.

I've been writing letters and postcards for a few months and will continue to do it in 2021 because I've splashed out on a personalised wax seal stamp and want to show off.

I'm reading Christmassy/Wintery books. Namely Lizzie Byron's Someday at Christmas by @lizzie_byron and Wintering by @_katherine_may_. A few pages whenever I can.

I'm listening to @ninastibbe's An Almost Perfect Christmas on BBC Sounds. And the 'Who Shat on the Floor at my Wedding?' podcast which is, as you can imagine, pure joy.

I'm watching The Wine Show (really cannae believe nobody told me about a show where the two best Matthews, Goode and Rhys, travel around drinking and eating), and The Wilds (Lost meets Pretty Little Liars, I guess? I'm only 3 eps in).

I've watched Christmas movies with a box of chocolates in reach while wrapping presents so it's felt more like something to look forward to than "oh fuck I've still got loads of wrapping to do".

I've made a garland of pompom hats that I can't wait to hang year after year. Tutorial here: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSng3du9/ 

We go to the fruit and veg stall and talk to the grocer. Last week we bought the biggest tattie we could find. Pure joy.

I take the girls for walks in the woods with a flask of hot chocolate and marshmallows and their wee enamel mugs from here https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/671155960/3d-cartoon-sketch-initial-enamel-mug?ref=shop_home_active_19

My needs are not great, but there isn't much time for myself (and I'm not even working!) I think many parents will understand that feeling of December being a shitload of effort for one busy day and we barely caught our breath.

The most important thing is I've told my partner about my personal wishes over Christmas. I just want to sneak away upstairs for a bit to read in peace every day. And I want to make sure he gets breaks for his wishes too because he's working non-stop right now.

It probably shouldn't have taken 4 years of parenthood to realise Christmas isn't the break it once was anymore, but there you have it. That's how I'm coping. How are you looking after yourself?