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Who is the best character from your family lore?
Mine is "Lorenzo," the Italian stud who starred in Die Hard, dated Jane Fonda, and got me drunk as a baby.
He was the biggest chad in 1980s Los Angeles.
He deserves a thread. 1/n
Mine is "Lorenzo," the Italian stud who starred in Die Hard, dated Jane Fonda, and got me drunk as a baby.
He was the biggest chad in 1980s Los Angeles.
He deserves a thread. 1/n
Lorenzo was a 6'7'' semi-pro soccer player in his native Italy.
He came to Hollywood in the 80's to make it big as a movie star – but started off with an even cooler job.
Cointreau, the orange-flavored liqueur, made him the centerpiece of a pre-internet viral marketing stunt.
He came to Hollywood in the 80's to make it big as a movie star – but started off with an even cooler job.
Cointreau, the orange-flavored liqueur, made him the centerpiece of a pre-internet viral marketing stunt.
It was Lorenzo's job to drive to LA's hottest restaurants in a rented Ferrari.
He would get out with a gorgeous blonde, and they'd conspicuously live it up.
Midway through dinner, she'd take a call at the table and loudly speak in Japanese. (Nothing cooler in the 80s!)
He would get out with a gorgeous blonde, and they'd conspicuously live it up.
Midway through dinner, she'd take a call at the table and loudly speak in Japanese. (Nothing cooler in the 80s!)
Lorenzo would make contact with a nearby table by asking them if they had the time.
When they answered, he'd thank them, then rush off in his Ferrari with his Japanese-speaking blonde date.
Then the waiter would bring out a free bottle of Cointreau, "from the tall gentleman."
When they answered, he'd thank them, then rush off in his Ferrari with his Japanese-speaking blonde date.
Then the waiter would bring out a free bottle of Cointreau, "from the tall gentleman."
In other words, Lorenzo was playing "the most interesting man in the world" before that was a thing.
He had to eat out so often for Cointreau that he complained he was putting on weight.
"Lorenzo, tomorrow there are people who will go to work in coal mines," my Mom told him.
He had to eat out so often for Cointreau that he complained he was putting on weight.
"Lorenzo, tomorrow there are people who will go to work in coal mines," my Mom told him.
He got his big break when he was cast to play a terrorist in the movie Die Hard.
It wasn't supposed to be a speaking role: he was just supposed to shoot at Bruce Willis and then die.
But he was so popular on the set, they came up with a line so he could get his SAG card.
It wasn't supposed to be a speaking role: he was just supposed to shoot at Bruce Willis and then die.
But he was so popular on the set, they came up with a line so he could get his SAG card.
That line became one of the best quips in the film: "No more table!"
(Yes, that is Lorenzo in the clip, trying to murder Bruce Willis.)
(Yes, that is Lorenzo in the clip, trying to murder Bruce Willis.)
After Die Hard, my parents were invited to a wedding where no children were allowed.
At the time, I was six months old, and in the midst of teething.
Lorenzo was pressed into action as an impromptu babysitter.
At the time, I was six months old, and in the midst of teething.
Lorenzo was pressed into action as an impromptu babysitter.
When my parents returned, they discovered that Lorenzo had temporarily cured my teething pains.
His secret was a traditional Italian treatment: white bread soaked in red wine.
It was the first time I'd had alcohol, and it apparently made quite an impression.
His secret was a traditional Italian treatment: white bread soaked in red wine.
It was the first time I'd had alcohol, and it apparently made quite an impression.
Later that year, my Mom was standing in line at the grocery store when she saw a familiar face on the cover of a tabloid magazine.
Jane Fonda had been spotted with a tall, dark, and handsome mystery man!
...Sure enough, it was Lorenzo.
Jane Fonda had been spotted with a tall, dark, and handsome mystery man!
...Sure enough, it was Lorenzo.
It seemed like Lorenzo had finally made it!
He was walking red carpets with one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood...
...until she dumped the handsome Italian for a billionaire media mogul by the name of Ted Turner.
He was walking red carpets with one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood...
...until she dumped the handsome Italian for a billionaire media mogul by the name of Ted Turner.
Lorenzo never became an A-list star, but you may have seen him on TV.
He's played a tall, handsome European man on Grey's Anatomy, Days of Our Lives, and Knots Landing.
These are not shows I have seen, but the internet confirms he has many female admirers.
He's played a tall, handsome European man on Grey's Anatomy, Days of Our Lives, and Knots Landing.
These are not shows I have seen, but the internet confirms he has many female admirers.
Here's to the man, the myth, the legend...
Lorenzo Caccialanza, the original "most interesting man in the world."
The Chad before Chads.
Fin.
Lorenzo Caccialanza, the original "most interesting man in the world."
The Chad before Chads.
Fin.
