Metaphor Alert: DC needs $8,000,000 from the Feds because it's literally overflowing with human shit

$135,500,000 for one federal courthouse.

We will be condemned to federal penitentiaries in only the FINEST PALACES IN THE LAND!!!!!

Didn't see $94.5 million for the federal courthouse in Tennessee, I am deceased

Five former Presidents will get $4,400,000.

You got $600.

I need a quick shower I suddenly feel disgusting

Welp reckon we'll go back to buying all our IT stuff from China, what could go wrong?

The restrictions on employee training are kind of interesting. Seems like a sneaky ban on Critical Race Theory, no? Good ammo for federal employees who want to get rid of it.

"Oh sweet they're gonna stop spying on us"

*reads exceptions*

"Lol jk"

THIS IS BULLSHIT, LET OUR OLYMPIANS DOPE!!

If the Feds are going to use our tax dollars to feed news stories to their pet journalists, they have to add a disclaimer. Big win, @GOP!

In exchange for their $600 windfall, taxpayers will be providing the Federal Record Centers Program with a $50,000,000 bailout to "offset the loss of user charges" due to the pandemic.

How exactly did that work? Are these record requests only done in person?

$2,000,000 for DHS snitches. Your boy Rando bout to head to the border to do recon on illegals!

*blinks*

$21,125,000 in grants to preserve Civil Rights Movement Sites seems.........excessive

WHOOOA GO OUTSIDE AND LOOK AT JUPITER AND SATURN THAT'S FREAKING BADASS

Damn. $150,812,000 for the offshore O&G regulators. Thas a lot.

$129 million for the Navajo Irrigation Project. Damn.

The EPA is getting $33.7 million for new or improved facilities.

Sorry you're about to lose your house, here's $600

$59.5 million for grants for the "Water Infrastructure Finance and Innovation Program".

So if you strap a laptop to a water pipeline or something, you can probably get $10 million in taxpayer funding

$10.8 million for the Institute Of American Indian And Alaska Native Culture And Arts Development Institute.

$818,192,000 for the Smithsonian

LOL $153,242,000 for National Gallery of Art salaries and expenses, another $23.2 mil for facilities.

DC has absolutely no skin in the game, not an ounce.

Kennedy Center funding:

$26,400,000 for operations/maintenance
$14,000,000 for upgrades

Can't have our elites going to black tie balls in a shithole, now can we?

National Endowment for the Arts: $167,500,000
National Endowment for Humanities: $167,500,000
Commission of Fine Arts (7 members): $3,240,000
Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: $7,400,000

Our cultural betters are extremely well compensated.....by us.

Guys I haven’t even gotten to page 1000

I'm down with this. Community colleges have some incredible technical programs hidden behind a jungle of useless ones.

There's a reason Joe Manchin is still in the Senate despite his state turning redder than the devil's dick.

The dude delivers real cash money to his state, his whole career.

Record American unemployment, and the ones who still have a job will be paying $93,896,000 for migrant farmworker programs.

I see you, Chamber of Commerce.

This is a good thing. Few unions will get paid off, but lots of folks will get quality job training

Wow, had no idea there was a Black Lung Disability Trust Fund

$251,018,000 for Howard University. 6,500 students. $29,000 tuition.

$4,203,000 for salaries/expenses for the House Joint Committee on taxation. Too perfect.

Gonna go back to this $98,000,000 expense for the Capitol Power Plant every time they increase energy costs for us peasants over the next four years

Sorry you're struggling so much this year, but the Capital City needs $20,986,000 for their botanical garden and $24,751,000 for their visitor center.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

LOL imagine having these priorities right now.

An extra $5,000,000 to make sure politicians have immediate access to COVID care and testing. *whistles Hunger Games tune*

Wtf is the Millennium Challenge Corporation and why do they get a billion dollars?

$33 million for technical assistance seems a little steep but wtf do I know

Hey remember that time the @GOP was going to get rid of the Export Import bank but now they just keep throwing $100 million at it every now and then?

Good times.

FYI I've switched to vodka. I'm also missing the Bachelorette for this.

GOOD THING THIS BILL SLAP FULL OF KLEPTOCRACY INCLUDES SOME ANTI-KLEPTOCRACY FUNDING FOR FOREIGN COUNTRIES

Well, on the bright side, we can't fund the PLO. Unless, of course, the incoming President says we can.

$15,000,000 in scholarships.......for Egyptians, in Egypt. The education racket is international!

Alrighty we're past regular appropriations, into COVID relief.

First up, ANOTHER $300,000,000 for NOAA fisheries. why is it always $300,000,000 for fisheries?

An additional $55 million for HHS. I'd be cool with them using a piece for demolishing that awful f**king statue out front of their building.

$81,880,000,000 for the Dept of Education. Wowza. That is absolutely bonkers

ANOTHER $20,000,000 for Howard university, in addition to the aforementioned $251,000,000

Blah blah tax stuff, blah blah PPP loans, will let the 80 bajillion other people tweeting about those handle it

Hundreds of pages devoted to wifi for minority communities.

This does not seem like coronavirus relief. Like at all.

It seems like DC is using COVID for a massive broadband program.

Alright I'm gonna go watch the Bachelorette. Might finish the last 2000 pages tonight, might tomorrow. Depends on my vodka intake

Okiedokie, let's go through the last 2000 pages.

The Energy Act of 2020 ought to be good:

Public education has become an absolute joke, but instead of fixing that, were just going to strap solar panels to them.

Former Senator Kay Hagan's family business bout to get PAIIID!!

The feds are going to hire a bunch of contractors to contonuously evaluate how green their data centers are.

Can't wait to see the price tag of that vanity project

They're going to build a website to show us how green their data centers are, and join and international green data center harmonization project.

Definitely the role of government.

Sorry you're about to be foreclosed on. But at least you'll be purchasing "Smart Buildings" for the feds!

We are at the point where the federal government determines the specs of our ceiling fans.

Burn it all down.

Sure, let's start another bureaucracy. We definitely don't have enough people on the federal payroll watching porn and copy pasting reports all day.

Say hello to the "NEWS RD&D Committee on the Nexus of Energy and Water for Sustainability"

I'd like to go on record as fully supporting "WAP enhancement". Shut up and take my money.

We don't have enough green energy bureaucrats, so we're creating more: say hello to the "Federal Energy Management Program".

Climate change is a jobs program for otherwise unemployable apparatchiks

$15,000,000 for the "Smart Energy and Water Pilot Program". The grift don't quit.

IT'S THE PLOT OF THE MOVIE 'THE SAINT', BUT VAL KILMER TOO FAT TO SEDUCE ANY SCIENTISTS NOW

YEEESSSS the feds are gonna pay O&G shitcos to teach geothermal shitcos how to drill!

Feds are spending all kinds of money on geothermal. From $45 mil up to $70 mil a year on FORGE sites, $21 mil a year on projects, and more

So if you want more than $600, go into geothermal

Let's see how much for Wind energy R&D:

$125,000,000 a year. Thas a lot of chopped up birds and bats!

Solar Energy R&D: $300,000,000 a year. BURN ALL THE BIRDZ!

Feds establishing a minimum of 25% renewable energy production from federal lands. No wonder those SPACS are all taking off, they're about to bleed taxpayers dry.

Hm. This is interesting but don't quite understand. Are Oil and gas cos able to sublet to geothermal cos?

$200,000,000 a year for renewable storage R&D.

I really wish American small businesses mattered more to Congress than green energy boondoggles.

Carbon Capture spending:

$380,000,000 a year for R&D
$575,000,000 a year for pilot projects
$600,000,000 a year for demonstration projects
$50,000,000 a year for "front end engineering and design program"

Carbon storage validation and testing: $200,000,000 to $100,000,000 a year

Carbon Utilization Program (a think tank, apparently):

$54 million to $59.4 million a year

High efficiency turbines: $50,000,000 a year

Produced Water R&D (from oil and gas ops, something the private sector is heavily incentivized to do on their own, water hauloff is expensive AF):

$10,000,000 a year

Carbon Removal projects:

$175,000,000 for 2021, plus another $100,000,000 and $63-73 mil a year

LOL the "Carbon Dioxide Removal Task Force", because why the f**k not. They meet once a year, and in 7 years we'll reassess whether or not they are necessary.

The "Industrial Emissions Reduction Technology Development Program":

Check out this curve: $20,000,000 in 2021, up to freaking $150,000,000 in 2025.

Another committee is born. The "Industrial Technology Innovation Advisory Committee"

There are more federal committees than American citizens, I'm sure of it. This one meets twice a year.

"Sustainable Transportation R&D":

$830,000,000 in 2021, $880,000,000 by 2023.

Let's piss away more money on Hydrogen!

OH SHIT WE BOUT TO ERADICATE MURDER HORNETS FOR $4,000,000 A YEAR, LFFFFGGGGGGGGG!!!!

Feds snatching up another 1100 acres in Arizona.

The federal government is going to support "independent media providing objective information" in Belarus.

Which is ironic considering the current state of news media in America.

We're going to support the development and use of anti-censorship and circumvention technologies in Belarus.

Which, again, hilarious considering the blatant censorship of Americans currently being carried out against Americans.

HASHTAG IMPORTANT THINGS

"Hey Congress, maybe we should make it harder for anyone with a pulse to get a pile of taxpayer cash for underwater basket weaving degrees, considering the $1.5 trillion student loan debt crisis?"

Congress: "LOL FAFSA LOANS GO BRR"

Congress didn't think the law mandating those stupid nozzles on gas cans was specific enough. So they clarified.

These are the priorities of the people who haven't missed a dime of their $175,000 salaries while their local cohorts destroy your livelihoods.

Congress takes back the T-Band they were going to auction off. Because government really doesn't like giving things back to the people.

IMPORTANT. THINGS.

Another new law buried in the bottom. Let's check out the American COMPETE Act.

Studying blockchain technology, drone delivery services, 3D printing, they are gonna study ALL THE THINGS

And the last item, the government is going to regulate the smolder testing certification of your furniture, since we're working from home now. Perfect.

I made it to the end! F**k them all! Top to bottom, Democrat to Republican, f**k each and every dirt bag opportunistic scumbag in DC who voted for this monstrosity.

Bastards, pond scum in suits.