That Elle Story reminds me of a column I read ages ago that I think about a lot: the writer posited that the reason humans develop intense, irrational, obsessive crushes isn’t to get us into relationships — it’s to get us *out of* relationships

(I should’ve put quotes around “reason,” I know that’s not how behaviors and characteristics actually work)

There isn’t much scholarship on the opiate effects of limerence but there’s enough that we can definitely say it’s a literally mind-altering intoxicant; anyone who’s been in the throes of an all-consuming crush is like duh yes obviously it is being on drugs

To be clear I don’t mean “reason” in the sense that we intentionally choose to have crushes when we want to leave the tedium of a partnership. I mean it in the sense that maybe we selected for people who are driven so insane by their crushes that they DO leave their partners https://twitter.com/hels/status/1341056522869223424

In college one of my friends would just ... tell people??? when she had a crush on them???? and I was like WHAT HOW WHY and she said “otherwise it grows and festers and ruins my life!” And I was like oh wow I literally did not realize choosing not to ruin my life was an option

Just feeling really grateful rn that none of my life-ruining crushes were um quite *that* life-ruining

No, actually, that’s the entire point of limerence as a concept: it’s defined by intrusive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, and feelings of being out of control. It tracks directly onto models of addiction and intoxication. https://twitter.com/curatorous/status/1341058194983030786

Everything about that woman’s story is a shitshow, but at least it’s a useful object lesson in how being fully dickmatized by the wrong dude can blow up your entire life

fascinating how clearly you can tell which ppl in my @‘s experience obsessive limerence when they have big crushes, and who just thinks this is some weird attempt to defend??? the shkreli bride???

I’m not a therapist but hoo boy I’m reading my @‘s and some of you need to hear this: if you’re partnered and you have a crush, that doesn’t definitely mean you secretly loathe & want to end your relationship!

But it almost certainly DOES mean you have some unmet needs — which may or may not be reasonable, may or may not be about your partner & partnership, may or may not just be entirely a you thing

I know lots people who’ve used crushes as fuel to get out of stale or harmful relationships, AND lots of ppl who’ve used crushes as fuel to trash healthy & beautiful relationships. Far, far more folks just get crushes and it’s fun & normal & you just don’t act on it & they pass

I love the way @JudithExtreme puts it here: “Everyone has a background noise of minor unmet needs, and minor crushes will come and go.” It’s the major ones you’ve gotta watch out for. https://twitter.com/judithextreme/status/1341094396884905985