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When things go sideways with other people, our instinctive reaction is to fight and argue with someone.
Research shows that our fight or flight reaction is engaged at this point, and those who choose to stay often won't listen to logic.
Here's what we can do about it.
Research shows that our fight or flight reaction is engaged at this point, and those who choose to stay often won't listen to logic.
Here's what we can do about it.
1/ The first thing to do is to take a step back.
Clinical psychologist calls the start of every disagreement the "Godzilla v Rodan" effect. Buildings get knocked down, Tokyo gets levelled, but very little gets accomplished.
Fight that impulse.
Clinical psychologist calls the start of every disagreement the "Godzilla v Rodan" effect. Buildings get knocked down, Tokyo gets levelled, but very little gets accomplished.
Fight that impulse.
2/ You might say, "he is being unreasonable", and that justifies you being angry as well.
Sure, but it doesn't help. Scientists have found that when you show conflicting evidence to a person who is riled up, the logical part of their brain shuts down.
They can't help it.
Sure, but it doesn't help. Scientists have found that when you show conflicting evidence to a person who is riled up, the logical part of their brain shuts down.
They can't help it.
3/ The hack that you can employ is to imagine you're speaking to a little child. Someone who's very upset, isn't listening to you, and can't articulate what he wants.
You wouldn't try to rationalise with him. You wouldn't get angry. All you'd do is to deal with the problem.
You wouldn't try to rationalise with him. You wouldn't get angry. All you'd do is to deal with the problem.
4/ Don't run away from the other side's feelings.
Label it. Give it a name. Acknowledge that the other person is feeling a certain way. This shows understanding and cools hot emotions.
Research even suggests that it reduces the intensity of feelings.
Label it. Give it a name. Acknowledge that the other person is feeling a certain way. This shows understanding and cools hot emotions.
Research even suggests that it reduces the intensity of feelings.
5/ Activate the thinking part of their brain.
Use questions. Ask the other side what they'd like you to do, and tell them what constraints you have.
As far as possible, put yourselves in a position where you both are on the same team, solving a common problem.
Use questions. Ask the other side what they'd like you to do, and tell them what constraints you have.
As far as possible, put yourselves in a position where you both are on the same team, solving a common problem.
6/ Whatever you do, don't give into the impulse to fight.
Even if you win, it's a Pyrrhic victory. The relationship is ruined, and worse, the underlying problem might still not be solved.
Don't resolve disagreements with a war metaphor in your head. It's not a win-lose thing.
Even if you win, it's a Pyrrhic victory. The relationship is ruined, and worse, the underlying problem might still not be solved.
Don't resolve disagreements with a war metaphor in your head. It's not a win-lose thing.
7/ One last thing - you could very well be the one who gets upset.
We all have blind spots and triggers that bring out the emotional side of us, so be empathetic to people who are in that position.
Disagree, but walk out of the disagreement with more respect for each other.
We all have blind spots and triggers that bring out the emotional side of us, so be empathetic to people who are in that position.
Disagree, but walk out of the disagreement with more respect for each other.
