7 yr old was upset the 4 yr old had more than a fair share of the Jack In The Box milkshake yesterday.

Not crying or anything extreme but he mentioned it today.

So I poked a bit until I got to "are you upset you didn't enjoy more of the treat or upset Max just took more?"...

It turns out he was ultimately upset that Max didn't think of him. If Max would have asked, he conceded that he might have agreed and he wouldn't be upset that he ultimately had less milkshake than his brother.

He was hurt bc he didn't feel cared for or considered...

This is not the same as being hurt that you simply had less. I'm not sure if there is any scalable lesson in that but the optimism in me hopes so.

Fairness is often a judgement call. Especially in a complex world without straight lines between cause and effect...

Your perception of what's fair is going to heavily prejudiced by your own position. And when we pretend our views on what's fair are truth we put others on guard. People get defensive. They dig in.

Nobody likes the word "should".

Nobody likes to be talked at.

Not everything has to fall back to some nuclear standoff of what's fair.

Fairness is not even the real issue.

It's just "do you care about me?"