On How to Process Your Emotions

We’ve all heard that you should take time to “process your emotions” and not “repress them.” But after a bad event occurs, what exactly does it MEAN to process your emotions?

I think that, ideally, it involves a mix of these components:

[thread]

(1) Notice: instead of pushing away the negative thoughts, or trying to ignore the bad feelings, pay close attention to them.

What are the EXACT words running through your mind? How does it feel right now to be you? What does your body and mind feel like?

(2) Allow: letting go of negative thoughts or feelings ABOUT your emotional response. Be loving to yourself, like you would a friend. Remember, emotions are there to help you.

It’s not bad to feel sad. You don’t have to be anxious (or angry at yourself) for these emotions.

(3) Explain: trying to clarify why, precisely, you are experiencing what you are feeling.

Of course a person is sad when their pet dies - but why, precisely, are you sad that Snowball died? Can you explain what is now lost that is making you so sad? What will you miss?

(4) Observe: noting your observations when you pay attention to your thoughts. Which of these upsetting thoughts are true and helpful? Which are false or unhelpful?

It may help to write out upsetting thoughts you’re having, and to read them later when feeling a little better.

(5) Accept: accepting that the event has happened, and acknowledging the new state the world is in. Not denying the way things now are, or mentally rebelling against reality. Filling in mental details about what’s true from now on, rather than refusing to update your mental map.

(6) Understand: trying to make sense of the event (especially when it was a surprise or shock). What exactly occurred? How much was chance? What caused it? What role did you play, what should you take responsibility for? What role did others play? What can you learn from it?

(7) Conclude: [eventually] taking actions that help give a sense of closure. This might be saying “goodbye”, performing a ritual, severing a tie, taking a symbolic action, etc. What can help you recover or move on?