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Right, chaps. Solo Christmas is a thing now, and it might feel pretty bleak, but it doesn’t have to. I’ve been muddling through Christmas away from my family for over a decade now - here’s what I’ve learned.
Every year, I find this month the most achingly difficult to slog my way through. It’s a time for loving and being loved, and even when you’re lucky enough to be invited to a friend’s festivities, it can feel pretty lonely - like being a human afterthought.
But the brilliant news is that this year, we won’t have the sharp stab of FOMO when we see evidence of a million merry Christmases, none of which include us. Instead, there’s a sense of solidarity: for once, we really are all in this together.
Funnily enough, this is the best and most festive December I’ve had in a very, very long time. (Believe me, there’s usually an embarrassing amount of crying in bed)
Here’s how to make COVID Christmas your bitch.
1) give yourself a festive project. I’ve been baking all my Bavarian granny’s Christmas cookies, which is fun and seasonal and takes sodding HOURS - a great distraction. So that works, but so does making paper chains, cooking your favorite things, writing something, whatever
The main thing is that you give yourself something to focus your mind and your hands. Creating something stops you from doom scrolling and it also gives you those jolly lil endorphins. If you’re making something for someone else, you’ll really bank up those festive feelings
2) decorate the SHIT out of your house. Go cozy or go crazy. Always felt like you needed to keep it classy and classic for your family? Now you can finally get a tinsel tree with a topper that simply says FUCK in huge letters. Things that will make you laugh are a great tonic...
...and sticking on the carols and taking the time to really change the space you’ve been festering all year will bring your emotions about it all back under your control. It’s impossible not to feel the Good Vibes when you’ve decided to seize them
3) practice tactical, recreational weeping. You will probably want to have a cry at some point. That’s fine and you should do. But don’t do what I’ve done and cry alone into your pillow in a silent room, because you will end up in a dark place. Instead, stick on a film...
...Preferably a Christmas one, that’ll make you bawl. I watched Last Christmas last week and WAILED like an idiot even though it is an 11 on the naff scale. Highly recommend.
4) now that you’ve had your big cry and are ready for round two, it’s time to mask up and head to the big supermarket to get all your favourite things and none of the shit you don’t like. Don’t fancy hours of cooking? Sack it off and eat frozen party food for the next week...
...or ring up your local pub with great grub and get yourself on their list for a fuck-off great big Christmas dinner to collect on the day. Fill your house with the good shit. Drink Bucks Fizz for breakfast every day. Grind spices into your morning coffee. Become a Pinterest gal
And save a million recipes and crafts that make you feel cozy to look at, even if looking at them is all you ever plan to do. There’s literally no pressure on you to perform this year, my huns
5) leave your cave. Seriously, do it. Layer up and head out for a jolly good stomp. There are National Trust properties all over the place with great walks that are all open and generally have cafes on site so you can reward yourself with coffee and cake.
Go with a pal or go with a podcast. Doesn’t matter. You will feel so much more energized for having done it, even if you don’t think it’s your thing.
6) speaking of podcasts - it’s time to find one that indulges your most niche whims. I’m currently listening to @yourewrongabout p much constantly, even if it’s just on in the background, and life feels considerably less lonely with it on. Hello, this is why talk radio is a thing
7) actually take the time to think about what your own perfect lazy winter day looks like. Fuck, take a buzzfeed quiz if you need some help working this shit out. Maybe you really just need a lazy day with no plans on Christmas, or maybe you need to fill your day with activities
Either way, COOL AND GREAT. Stock up on bubble bath or stock up on like, thirty jigsaw puzzles. We’re working to make your perfect day, baby, and that’s as unique and beautiful as you are 
8) TREAT. YO. SELF. We’re all skint this year. No one is expecting lavish pressies. Shelve any weird Christmas guilt you might not realize you harbor and indulge in some retail therapy for YOU. Wrap that shit up with a bow and act surprised on Christmas Day
9) be honest and open. This is rich coming from me, a person who would literally rather sob myself into a terrible case of the hiccups than pick up the phone and tell someone I feel bad, but remember: this year, we’re all in the same boat.
You are not inconveniencing anyone by having a hard time. And you know what? The person you ring will almost certainly be as in need of you as you are of them. Let it all out. Lean on each other. Spread the love (but not the rona)
The world is pretty Zoomed out right now, but I reckon we’ve all got a few more sessions in us before we go back to normal life. Schedule in a virtual champ era brekkie with friends. Ring a favorite aunt at lunch and swap the crude anecdotes you’d normally share across the table
Embrace being the solo Bridget Jones in a sea of smug marrieds on your screen. Rip the shit out of them for it! Rip the shit out of yourself in the hopes that one of them sends you a Love Honey voucher for Christmas! LAUGH. AT. THE. BULLSHIT
10) buy every fucking scented candle you can find and turn your house into a deranged little cave of festivities and sodding WONDER. Make finding the perfect fir-scented one your mission in life. Commit so hard it’s silly
11) if all else fails, my darkest days have been saved by what I call the Princess Margaret: run a bubble bath, put on the sultriest red lipstick you own, light a candle or ten, pour a huge glass of red, and smoke a pack of fags while you marinate yourself with a good film on
Or, like, a killer opera soundtrack. God you will feel like you’ve seduced yourself and you will LOVE IT
12) put a ball gown on. Or don’t take your PJs off for five days. Find your sartorial love language. I’ve just bought a pair of six inch heels and I’m probably going to take photos of myself wearing them and nothing else JUST BECAUSE IT WILL FEEL GOOD
Just remember, pals, it’s one day. One day that we put so much emotional weight onto that it can feel so overwhelming to ‘lose’ it. But you’re not losing it - you’re just kind of remixing it.
This is probably the only chance you’ll ever get for a totally pressure-free, absolutely self-indulgent Christmas. Make the most of it. The people you love, and who love you, are still there - phone lines and WiFi connections don’t dilute love.
Your Christmas hasn’t got smaller. It’s got much, much bigger - because this year, we’re all making space at the same table.
