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Honestly the best advice IMO for observing what people want is to let them behave as they wish, and maintain 1) your own boundaries and 2) a sense of curiosity, rather than control. You can say what you want. But it doesn't mean someone has to do it on your schedule.
A lot of this is why I keep banging on about why it would help men a lot to find good therapists. A good therapist --takes a few tries to find one --helps turn awareness of your behavior into the practice of healing its subconscious sources so you can *actually* do what you want.
A lot of "doing what we want" is in fact driven by fear. It's 1) distractions to avoid our emotional pain 2) duty (performing friendship/parenting/marriage/Instagram vignettes of "the perfect life" and so on.
With healing, we can *actually* do what we want, free of our subconscious emotional shackles and past traumas, many of which formed us in childhood or adolescence or in our first loves. Therapy is good for that. You're not your man's therapist. So ease up please.
"If he wanted to, he would" -- what is he not doing? Could it be because of fear? Self-protection? Terror of rejection? Lack of time? Scared of failure? There's a lot that holds people back. That person is just not ready, for whatever reason. And you can't make them ready.
You can decide whether to stick around, but if it's not changing for a year or more, that's prob not going to happen. That person is not currently on the road to growth. So maybe you need to go. But it's timing, and emotional growth -- not will -- that's usually holding them back
You might disagree, and that's fine. Just be wary of smashing people into pre-made molds about "what courtship should look like." Make room for some beautiful weirdness, unfurling and pauses. That's the human part. Speed isn't natural. Pauses are where you get to stop and learn.
Just whatever you do, consider doing it from love -- not from fear. "If he wanted to, he would" is the ego taking over with fear of betrayal, fear of abandonment, fear of neglect. It's pushing the walls of your relationship to see if they fall.
Making decisions from love means first and foremost loving yourself. You don't need to traumatize yourself. Once you've made your needs clear, and someone can't meet them, you have to choose yourself. Controlling someone else is not it.
Going to drop some sensible TikToks here as good counterprogramming. Here's one on how we all have to take accountability for our own actions -- and sometimes ask for help, from a therapist or otherwise, to see things more clearly. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJprLX5P/
Here's a man explaining why you need to be aware of falling in love with a man's potential as a partner and letting that overrule who he *actually* is *to you* as a partner. The relationship you're in is *the relationship you're in now* https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJpr5Quj/
Understand when you are violating your own boundaries -- by giving your love/friendship away without looking out for your own safety by expecting real, tangible love in return. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJpru16K/
If someone makes you feel unwanted, you have to walk away. A person who loves you will at minimum make you feel special and wanted, in their way. If they make you feel unwanted - they're telling you how they feel. You will not be able to change that. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJprRbT1/
A lot of women are raised and told to be people-pleasers, desperate to be liked and terrified of doing anything that will make them unpopular. People-pleasing is a form of manipulation designed to ensure our own safety. Safety comes from within. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJprGHAC/
And here are books that I *strongly* recommend to help you understand why you and others around you may have subconscious fears and blocks around relationships and friendships.
It's helpful to be aware of things that you might feel are normal -- because you've learned to work around them -- but are in fact signs of how you adapted to emotional neglect. https://twitter.com/moorehn/status/1323887340352319489
Additional thread from yesterday on how family dynamics can form the way we see ourselves in the world. This is true of everyone -- everyone -- until they choose 1) awareness and 2) healing https://twitter.com/moorehn/status/1340327888877457409
Adding a few other points since this is taking off a little.
Most importantly: Whatever is affecting someone's behavior in a relationship is often *in their subconscious.* Meaning, you can't get at it through language or haranguing them or persuading them.
Most importantly: Whatever is affecting someone's behavior in a relationship is often *in their subconscious.* Meaning, you can't get at it through language or haranguing them or persuading them.
The subconscious is resistant to good argumentation. It's there to ensure visceral safety, and it took its lessons *a long time ago* before you were on the scene. So what people do in relationships comes from their old subconscious beliefs from family and school and first loves.
Examples of subconscious beliefs in relationships: Accepting less attention or time because your parents weren't around a lot so you think "I'm not worthy of anyone's time/I have to apologize for wanting love or attention because I'm imposing"
Another subconscious belief: Being reluctant to challenge someone you love because you think that disagreeing will make them abandon you or leave you unloved. Maybe because your parents/teachers/family did that.
You can read more about these subconscious beliefs in Running on Empty and Attached. You will keep feeling these same feelings in *every* relationship until you heal them.
What doesn't work *at all* is pointing out someone else's subsconscious beliefs and telling them to fix them. 1) Pointing it out causes shame 2) Only they can fix them, and that takes WORK. With a good therapist who does inner-child work.
Everyone has these blocks and challenges and fears and traumas. Everyone. No one is exempt. If you're focusing on someone else's, you're not focusing on your own. It's better to see how much you can strengthen your skills, like advocating for yourself lovingly
As for therapy, not to diminish it but it's similar to hiring a guide for your emotions, the way you'd hire a doctor for your heart or a personal trainer for your muscles. They know how to help without injuring you.
If you DO have a therapist who you feel is not helping your growth; or is telling you what to do; or is making judgments about "what's wrong" with you or your relationships, find a better therapist for you.
This is in the replies but I just want to highlight it:
You should absolutely walk away if a relationship isn't serving your needs and there's no growth.
But you should feel okay to walk away without having to feel devalued and dehumanized and unlovable by someone to do it.
You should absolutely walk away if a relationship isn't serving your needs and there's no growth.
But you should feel okay to walk away without having to feel devalued and dehumanized and unlovable by someone to do it.
