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I'm sorry, I have to do a thread on this.
I keep seeing "if he wanted to, he would" relationship content
on TikTok and Insta and YouTube
and
I just want women to consider that this often-memed advice is really counterproductive.
Here's why.
I keep seeing "if he wanted to, he would" relationship content
on TikTok and Insta and YouTube
and
I just want women to consider that this often-memed advice is really counterproductive.
Here's why.
First, consider all the things you want to do but somehow can't. Whether it's kicking an addiction (from substances to smartphones) or creating a schedule that has time for work, family, love and exercise. We often cannot change behavior easily.
The reason we cannot change behavior and habits easily is bc all of our behaviors -- even our problematic ones that we don't like -- serve a purpose to our subconscious. With men, e.g., emotional avoidance is protection against vulnerability, which they believe will be punished.
The reason you don't finish work you need to do is that it's more painful, to your subconscious, to do the work than to avoid it. That may be because of fear (of failure) or bc the work is difficult.
The point, as you can see, is that wanting to do something and *being able* to do something are not the same thing. A man can want to be a better partner but is locked into behaviors informed by protecting himself against past fears and traumas. Men aren't superheroes.
Second, we all really have to resist this strain of magical thinking that says that anyone can be cured of all their bad behavior if we just love them enough-- that our love is a magical spell that unshackles the prince or princess from their spell. It's not.
For one thing, "if you loved me you'd do exactly what I say" is a type of manipulation and a violation of another person's sovereignty. Leave room for people to behave as they wish -- and see how they reveal themselves in that behavior.
For another thing, assuming that someone would "want to" do it just for you is really more about ego and wanting to be an exception from the rules -- even the rules and boundaries that someone has set for themselves. Respect those boundaries.
And for yet another thing, don't put the pressure on yourself of thinking that your love is all it takes for someone to either follow your commands or cure themselves of behaviors you don't like.
"If they wanted to, they would" confuses awareness for healing. It assumes that once people know the "right" thing (i.e., the thing you want) that all they have to do is execute on it. But that's not how *anyone* works.
Everyone on earth is struggling with their own limitations -- emotional or physical or both -- and subconscious traumas that cause them to protect themselves. It takes years of work *after recognizing those limitations* to heal them. It's their job. It's not on our timeline.
Anyway I know "if he wanted to, he would" sounds empowering, but it's bad reasoning and in the end very unproductive. There are a lot more things going on than that. And the implication is still that a woman's job is to change a man (with her love). Let people change if they want
Honestly the best advice IMO for observing what people want is to let them behave as they wish, and maintain 1) your own boundaries and 2) a sense of curiosity, rather than control. You can say what you want. But it doesn't mean someone has to do it on your schedule.
A lot of this is why I keep banging on about why it would help men a lot to find good therapists. A good therapist --takes a few tries to find one --helps turn awareness of your behavior into the practice of healing its subconscious sources so you can *actually* do what you want.
A lot of "doing what we want" is in fact driven by fear. It's 1) distractions to avoid our emotional pain 2) duty (performing friendship/parenting/marriage/Instagram vignettes of "the perfect life" and so on.
With healing, we can *actually* do what we want, free of our subconscious emotional shackles and past traumas, many of which formed us in childhood or adolescence or in our first loves. Therapy is good for that. You're not your man's therapist. So ease up please.
"If he wanted to, he would" -- what is he not doing? Could it be because of fear? Self-protection? Terror of rejection? Lack of time? Scared of failure? There's a lot that holds people back. That person is just not ready, for whatever reason. And you can't make them ready.
You can decide whether to stick around, but if it's not changing for a year or more, that's prob not going to happen. That person is not currently on the road to growth. So maybe you need to go. But it's timing, and emotional growth -- not will -- that's usually holding them back
You might disagree, and that's fine. Just be wary of smashing people into pre-made molds about "what courtship should look like." Make room for some beautiful weirdness, unfurling and pauses. That's the human part. Speed isn't natural. Pauses are where you get to stop and learn.
Just whatever you do, consider doing it from love -- not from fear. "If he wanted to, he would" is the ego taking over with fear of betrayal, fear of abandonment, fear of neglect. It's pushing the walls of your relationship to see if they fall.
Making decisions from love means first and foremost loving yourself. You don't need to traumatize yourself. Once you've made your needs clear, and someone can't meet them, you have to choose yourself. Controlling someone else is not it.
Going to drop some sensible TikToks here as good counterprogramming. Here's one on how we all have to take accountability for our own actions -- and sometimes ask for help, from a therapist or otherwise, to see things more clearly. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJprLX5P/
Here's a man explaining why you need to be aware of falling in love with a man's potential as a partner and letting that overrule who he *actually* is *to you* as a partner. The relationship you're in is *the relationship you're in now* https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJpr5Quj/
Understand when you are violating your own boundaries -- by giving your love/friendship away without looking out for your own safety by expecting real, tangible love in return. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJpru16K/
If someone makes you feel unwanted, you have to walk away. A person who loves you will at minimum make you feel special and wanted, in their way. If they make you feel unwanted - they're telling you how they feel. You will not be able to change that. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJprRbT1/
A lot of women are raised and told to be people-pleasers, desperate to be liked and terrified of doing anything that will make them unpopular. People-pleasing is a form of manipulation designed to ensure our own safety. Safety comes from within. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJprGHAC/
And here are books that I *strongly* recommend to help you understand why you and others around you may have subconscious fears and blocks around relationships and friendships.
It's helpful to be aware of things that you might feel are normal -- because you've learned to work around them -- but are in fact signs of how you adapted to emotional neglect. https://twitter.com/moorehn/status/1323887340352319489
Additional thread from yesterday on how family dynamics can form the way we see ourselves in the world. This is true of everyone -- everyone -- until they choose 1) awareness and 2) healing https://twitter.com/moorehn/status/1340327888877457409
Adding a few other points since this is taking off a little.
Most importantly: Whatever is affecting someone's behavior in a relationship is often *in their subconscious.* Meaning, you can't get at it through language or haranguing them or persuading them.
Most importantly: Whatever is affecting someone's behavior in a relationship is often *in their subconscious.* Meaning, you can't get at it through language or haranguing them or persuading them.
The subconscious is resistant to good argumentation. It's there to ensure visceral safety, and it took its lessons *a long time ago* before you were on the scene. So what people do in relationships comes from their old subconscious beliefs from family and school and first loves.
Examples of subconscious beliefs in relationships: Accepting less attention or time because your parents weren't around a lot so you think "I'm not worthy of anyone's time/I have to apologize for wanting love or attention because I'm imposing"
Another subconscious belief: Being reluctant to challenge someone you love because you think that disagreeing will make them abandon you or leave you unloved. Maybe because your parents/teachers/family did that.
You can read more about these subconscious beliefs in Running on Empty and Attached. You will keep feeling these same feelings in *every* relationship until you heal them.
What doesn't work *at all* is pointing out someone else's subsconscious beliefs and telling them to fix them. 1) Pointing it out causes shame 2) Only they can fix them, and that takes WORK. With a good therapist who does inner-child work.
Everyone has these blocks and challenges and fears and traumas. Everyone. No one is exempt. If you're focusing on someone else's, you're not focusing on your own. It's better to see how much you can strengthen your skills, like advocating for yourself lovingly
As for therapy, not to diminish it but it's similar to hiring a guide for your emotions, the way you'd hire a doctor for your heart or a personal trainer for your muscles. They know how to help without injuring you.
If you DO have a therapist who you feel is not helping your growth; or is telling you what to do; or is making judgments about "what's wrong" with you or your relationships, find a better therapist for you.
I think people don't understand how damaging it can be to people's mental health to meme things like "if he wanted to, he would," which has been all over TikTok for 6 months at least. Here's an example of why it's problematic. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJpSocLU/
As here, a lot of "if he wanted to, he would" content is specifically designed to make women feel low self-worth, as if someone is perfectly capable of emotional intimacy but just thinks you, personally, are garbage.
No! That's not what's happening. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJpSocLU/
No! That's not what's happening. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJpSocLU/
What's happening is 1) people have emotional limitations 2) your self-worth should not be up to anyone else's judgment 3) stop gaslighting women and making them feel bad about themselves please. There's too much of that.
You have to take it out of the phrase of "wanting." Wanting to love, or wanting to change, or wanting anything, doesn't mean someone CAN do those things. It doesn't mean you're not worth wanting.
