THREAD: Should we talk holiday self-care in a way that involves mozzarella sicks? Yes, let's.

So things are shit and they’ve been shit for a long time but 2020 really did seem to be an industrial metal 1970s-era take-your-finger-clean-off fan for all the shit in the world to hit. A shitstorm, a shitshow, and a COVID in a pear tree.

Lots of people are feeling isolated and scared, and suffering from what is whimsically called ‘adverse mental health outcomes’ in research papers. We psychologists are a riot and a laugh-a-minute at parties. Really.

The holiday period is a very stressful time in Western culture, with people whinging about holiday stress as far back as the Victorian era. So this year you’re facing all of that IN ADDITION to all the 2020 stress.

In order to spread self-care, to bring a little cheer into the darkest month of the darkest of timelines, I’d like to share with you my secret for a happy holiday in the hopes that you too can embrace it: The Feast of 1000 Finger Foods.

Italian-Americans have the Feast of 7 Fishes on Christmas Eve maybe referring to all those loafs and fishes Jesus was after photocopying to feed the masses when they were up the Mount to be extras in the Bible.

The Feast of 1000 Finger Foods is an all-purpose, totally-secular, gender non-conforming tradition I’ve been celebrating the past 6 years I’ve lived an ocean away from my Christmas-celebrating extended family.

It’s like this: your local grocery’s freezer overfloweth with oven-ready, snacky ‘party’ foods this time of year. They’re usually on sale (3 for 2 or something), and all bake at about the same temp for about the same time.

Go nuts. All the ones you want. Go bugfuck-nanners. Mozzarella sticks, chicken wings, spring rolls, tempura shrimp, mac n’cheese bites, mini-meatballs, samosas, pakoras…the only limit is your imagination and oven size.

Money is tight this year as we teeter on the brink of a global depression so why break the bank on Christmas Eve takeaway or an expensive spread when it’s just you (and/or partner, and/or kids, and/or pets)? Finger. Foods.

Recall the ancient night a wee shepherd ran into his local pub, claiming to have been given a message by an Angel of the Lord. What did the other shepherds do? Got him a pint and a plate of chicken fingers. He just wasn’t himself when he was hungry.

Fuck everything else this year. Fuck COVID, fuck Trump (who lost), fuck BJ & Brexit, fuck’s sake we miss those we’ve lost. Bury it in fried foods. Fuck your diet for one night, you need this. You deserve this.

Let us not forget the proper ritual of this tradition, the anointing of the dipping sauces. I personally recommend several little bowls for maximum options: BBQ sauce, HP sauce, ketchup, brown mustard, garlic mayo, salsa, and more!

To prepare your house for the glory of the Feast of 1000 Finger Foods, preheat the oven and turn on the TV/stream/computer to your absolute favourite trash. Put on your fanciest pair of sweatpants and your best pop-culture t-shirt.

Maybe you’re the sole celebrant of this feast or maybe it’s a family affair. Got kids? They’ve been through the fire this year so encourage them to take their finger foods and re-enact scenes from their favourite media.

And lo, after it is done, do not fear a messy kitchen. You have only the baking sheets you used to wash before Santa texts you your click-and-collect delivery slot. Turn off the lights and go to bed, you done good.

Maybe next year we’ll have Christmas in person and the Feast of 1000 Finger Foods can be a do-it-yourself, all-hors d'oeuvres family/friends potlach. Maybe things will actually get better, someday.

I think if the world is going to recover, we need to eat more fried cheese and I volunteer for tribute. I hope this thread has raised your mental health from incoherent screaming to “This is fine.” Happy Holidays.