"Being celibate means you're married to Jesus" is a garbage take, and here's why.

(If you're mufos with the mufo I got this from, please understand: I am subtweeting the people who say this, not him.)

What do you call it when your spouse is never physically present, doesn't talk to you, and doesn't support you financially or secure your health care? If your answer was "a healthy and satisfying marriage," you are alarmingly incorrect.

The point is not that Jesus *should* be doing those things (because who the hell am I to tell Jesus what to do); the point is, those are all pretty basic components of what we mean by, and want out of, a marriage. Having others tell you you're "married to Jesus" suggests that

you are completely taken care of in an earthly sense, as much as a person who's married in an earthly sense. That's just not true. Celibates have needs, both practical and personal, and celibacy does make those needs harder to fulfill. "You're married to Jesus" erases our needs;

it comforts the speaker, not the celibate. (Incidentally, this is partly why celibates have often gathered in communities, but this solution isn't equally practical for all celibates and may be impossible for some.)

It also implies an intimacy and sanctity that may or may not

have *anything* in common with our lived experience. I will gamble here and say that most celibates are not mystics; and few even among the mystics have experiences like St Catherine of Siena or St Faustina. Putting us on a pedestal is once again about the speaker, not about us.

And I totally get instinctively admiring someone who's attempting something that's unusual and challenging. Trouble is, this can get really toxic and scary for celibates, if we don't live up to normie expectations. And most of us don't. This is a really hard life to lead,

especially since most of our society and culture are pretty couple-oriented. We need space to be flawed human beings.

I don't mean to take anything away from fellow celibates who find this language meaningful. But that's the thing: it's *their* decision, not other people's.

For myself, after a while, this imagery made me really hurt and resentful toward God -- because where was the support and affection and sense of safety marriage was supposed to give me? I suspect a lot of gay men have felt this way. Priests too, maybe, of whatever orientation.

That doesn't mean the imagery is bad; but it's a kind of spirituality that doesn't suit every person. "One size fits all" does not appear in St Benedict's Rule or the Apophthegmata.