01/ Doing a half- @threadapalooza, 50 tweets about depression. Trigger warnings. I have no idea where this is going to go, but at the very least: depression, self-harm, abuse, trauma, suicide.

02/ Also, depression is different for everyone. I'm talking about how it works for me, and how I understand it. It may not apply to your other friends, or you. But maybe it will teach something that can be applied somewhere else.

03/ Finally, please, PLEASE don't post messages of support until you've read the whole thing. Normies make a lot of mistakes about handling depression that backfire horribly. Most messages of support make things worse.

Okay, let's do this.

04/ I first held a gun when I was 26. Visiting a friend in Kansas, teaching me how to shoot. We got to the firing grounds and he forgot the earplugs. He went back to get them, leaving me unattended.

05/ We both realized the mistake two minutes later. He came back, dead sprint, terrified he'd hear a gunshot and find my head watering the grass.

06/ People think of depression as deep sadness. That's wrong. You can cheer someone up from sadness. Depression is insanity. It's parasite thoughts. An outsider that thinks for you, that hates you.

07/ It's wrong to say I'm irrational when I'm depressed. It's more I'm differently rational. I can reason just as fast as I can normally, I just utterly despise myself. And by extension, everybody who tries to help me.

08/ There's a pattern to the hate. The easiest things to fixate on. Everybody has weak spots, and I know mine intimately. I am my own worst enemy because I know how to hurt myself the best.

09/ For me, it's loneliness. I've been a lonely person all my life. Friends but no love. A lot of it ties to horrible family history and trauma I don't want to go into publicly. Suffice to say I have thick walls, perfect for filling with water and drowning me in the courtyard.

10/ Do you believe in destiny? My depression forces me to. My destiny is to become the Machine. Something wholly dedicated to improving the external world, improving the lives of everyone around me, at the cost of myself.

11/ There is no place for love or joy or safety in the machine. It's a horrible thing to be for most people. But, my parasite thoughts know, it's still my destiny. It's what I'm supposed to be. Every depression forces me to see that, no matter how hard I try to fight back.

12/ Ironically I'm better at fulfilling the machine's *goals* while sober- being depressed make me neglect basic life stuff and drains all my energy to help people. But while sober I'm not self-flagellating myself, so it's not the machine. Depression is about harm.

13/ I've lived with depression all my life. I was undiagnosed as a kid and teen, only discovered in college. Medication saved my life. Therapy saved my life. By this point, I still suffer deeply from depression, but I'm a "veteran" at living with it.

14/ I've done a lot to fight it. I spent a year writing software to help me manage it, which worked for a while and then didn't. Remember, I am my own worst enemy. I know all my tricks.

15/ But I still have all the lessons. I know the signs of an incoming episode, I know how to cope better than most. And I know not to talk to people about this unless they're prepared. Concealing the depression, in almost all cases, is the smart thing to do.

16/ (Then why write? Writing is an outlet for me. The more I hate myself, the more I can let writing consume me. Art comes from suffering, not because the suffering inspires me, but because I need any kind of escape. The machine turned to the purposes of art.)

17/ Why do people hide depression? Everybody knows it's to avoid hurting friends, or the fear of people looking down on you, but there's a deeper, more pragmatic reason. I hide depression because most people, on knowing I'm depressed, make things worse.

18/ "I'm here if you need me." The worst words I can possibly hear. What are you going to do? Give advice? Tell me it's "not so bad"? Send me emojis? The image in my mind is a boy scout pulling out my ribs with rusty pliers, saying "I'm helping!"

19/ Now I'm managing your emotions in addition to my own. I have to make sure you don't feel hurt or helpless or betrayed or any number of perfectly-human things reactions that will make you defensive push me away. So instead, I hide. Better in the long run for everyone.

20/ (That's why I never understood cutters. I get the idea of cutting. Self-mutilation as an apology to the world. But why take the risk? Why hurt yourself in a way others can discover? Instead I snorted chili powder. Doesn't leave a scar.)

21/ If I *do* need to talk, it will be with one of the shortlist of friends I already know and deeply trust. The "I'm here if you need me" people are, almost universally, not on that list.

22/ (The list isn't just "my closest friends". There are some people I'm very close to that are not on the list. It's people who are close *and* know my personal demons *and* know how to handle depression.)

23/ So what can you do as a friend? There's lot of things! Just not ones people expect. First, are you dealing with the condition or the episode? Helping people in the long run, or helping them deal with the shit going on *right now*?

24/ For helping with episodes: One nasty, nasty thing about depression is that it takes away your will and energy to do basic life upkeep. Things like cooking, cleaning, hygiene. Getting that in order is the first step to getting back on track.

25/ Couple examples: 1) on Friday, I spoke to my therapist, who remained on the call while I cleaned and shaved my head. I wouldn't have done those without her "making" me. That's a thing people can do.

26/ 2) When friends nearby get depressed, I often prepare meals for them. I've ordered delivery and cookies for friends out of state. I mail chocolate. Taking away the pain and effort of feeding yourself makes things a little bit more tolerable.

27/ A very close friend of mine once put it like this: "if someone is curled in a ball and crying on the floor of the their apartment, don't ask them if they need you. Get them a blanket and a pillow."

28/ (I realize, writing this, that that's another reason why "I'm here if you need me" fails. It's too high on Maslow's Hierarchy. Food and safety come before friendship and esteem.)

29/ If they do "want to talk", then practice active listening. Don't try to convince them they're okay people or give advice unless specifically asked. Let them speak. You're not going to fix things. Remember, depression is madness.

30/ (But keep in mind you may be dealing with sadness, not depression. Depressed people can be sad too. Distinguishing the two can be quite challenging.)

31/ For dealing with things long term, that's simple. Actively build up the relationship. Check in on them, share ideas, be a friend, reach the point where they can put you on the shortlist.

...

I said it was simple, not easy.

32/ I used to have a list of people I checked in with weekly, biweekly, or monthly, notes on what was bothering them and how I could help. I see it as a personal failing that that list has atrophied over time.

33/ (That's me failing to become the machine. A reason to punish myself. If I followed my destiny, I'd be a better friend to people. So why should I chase happiness? Do I have a moral duty to subsume myself into the machine? Maybe.)

34/ Finally, regardless of how you want to help, don't be surprised if you're rejected or make thing worse. Maybe it's unfair that your friend is lashing out at you, maybe it'd be easier for them if they accepted your help, maybe they're being unethical. Doesn't matter.

35/ Because you're not dealing with a person totally in control. Depression makes people unpredictable. At times it's taken all my will to politely tell someone "please go away", and not lash out with words I know will make them feel just a fraction of the self-hate I feel.

36/ And I'm really experienced at the metacognition in handling depression. Most people aren't. So help if you can, but be aware that you can make things worse, both for them and yourself.

37/ Might as well end this on advice for other sufferers. This isn't necessarily the best advice, but it's things that worked for me, so maybe it will help you too? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

38/ People say things like diet and exercise and good sleep help treat depression, but those are all the first things out the window when you're depressed. So almost everything you can do to help is preparatory. Keeping spare food on hand, scheduling check-ins, etc.

39/ If you haven't already, I strongly recommend checking out therapy and psychiatry. Both can take a while to get into, and you may find that one or both aren't useful. But when they help, they help a lot. I wouldn't be here without both of them.

40/ Build up friendships, I guess? I've found a lot of people don't actively build friendships, even if they'd otherwise make great confidantes. Sometimes you have to do the hard work here while you're normal. It sucks. Sorry.

41/ If you're able, get good at recognizing the oncoming signs of an episode. You might not be able to stop it, but you might be able to wrap urgent things up so that when it finally hits, you can just go straight to bed. Sleep helps.

42/ Finally, and I know this sounds trite, but remember that it'll eventually end. I say that not because it'll make things better, but sometimes, knowing it'll be over in a few days is the only thing that keeps me going.

43/ I understand that the episode ending doesn't mean you'll feel better. There's no rebound effect where you're suddenly happy and optimistic. The depression ends and leaves you still sad, tired, and lonely. It's just the parasite has left and your mind is your own again.

44/ And that can be crushing in its own way. The feeling that you now have to fix yourself, that recovering from depression is yet another burden you have to face, it never ends and it never becomes okay. But now things can get better, even if only a little.

45/ So that's some thoughts on depression. I should clarify that I'm not depressed *right now*. I had a bad episode last week, but seem to be better today at least. I'm just trying to capture the faded wisps of the thoughts before they fade, until the next episode.

46/ And I'm sharing it because it's important for people to know, because it can help someone, and because I like hurting people. People will thank me for making them feel awful. ...That's a very Depression thought, isn't it. I can't help it. It's part of me.

47/ I'm still afraid of the machine. Even while sane I can see it in the distance, the natural arc of my destiny. I just think now, while fully in control of myself, I can escape it, maybe, one day.

48/ Until then, well. I'm keep writing, and living, and suffering, and becoming. The parasite will come back, and then leave again, and so it will be until I die. Fin.

49/ PS: Just as bad as "I'm here if you need me!" is "But you're so strong!!!" and "thank you for your bravery in sharing this!!!" I'm not strong, I'm just talking about myself. Some people need courage to share their depression, but I don't. I'm a coward about other demons.

50/ 50th tweet