So today in teaching toddlers: I had to hustle with one of the toddlers to ensure he would apologize for hurting his friend.

One thing I knew would be complex was teaching him that he had to be accountable for the harm he caused: why? Because the child he harmed complained about it and there were no witnesses to acknowledge it

If anything, as I am learning with children, I refuse to force a child to apologize “just for the sake of it” because then this is wiring them to believe that “apologies” are only required in the face of authority and just at the age of 4, little homeboy realized that

So first things first, when I arrived in the room, A* was complaining that R* hit her on the head. R* refuted it because he didn’t want to look bad in my eyes. I knew it because he started projecting that A* also hit her.

I decided to ask A* to explain to me what had happened and she replayed the scene while R* went into avoidant zone and started fixating on playing a game so he
acted like he couldn’t hear me and even that he didn’t care.

See, it’s so important to adapt ones pedagogical methods based on the child’s specific attachement style b/c overriding those details can cause even more harm. so since R* has an insecure attachment style: I knew
the first thing he’d do was reject the opportunity to repair.

To stay in control. So while I went on to telling him that hurting people and touching people w/o their consent is harmful and makes them sad/angry, I also reassured him that there is no shame in accepting that it’s his responsibility to repair and not mine to punish

At first it seemed completely ridiculous b/c A* had moved on and started playing so R* thought that the conversation was over:

so as an adult, it was crucial for me to not only explain to R* that he was hurtful but also to A* that it wasn’t normal for her to accept
being hurt & that she had the right to stand her ground and ask for an apology.

I wanted her to feel empowered but also to develop boundaries. So as I re-explained the issue and asked her what she wanted as a repair: she chose that she wanted a “sorry” and told R* to his face and went on to doing her thing.

Okay so now R* is angry b/c he didn’t think it would go this far especially since I was still negotiating firmly with him all while creating a “safer” space for A* to keep on playing as she desired. R* continued to avoid looking at me and facing me but I could see

that it was slowly and surely working: he kept on saying “ I won’t say it” and I constantly responded that “I’d wait”: no shouting, no forcing, no pushing his limits because I already acknowledged that his boundary was avoidance

Now, I decided to go into part 2 of the lesson: expressing my boundary b/c I was almost losing patience so I “told him” that I wanted to continue playing tranquilly with A* until he figured out how he would express his apologies.

R*, started to develop anxiety because he felt like I was literally abandoning him: that was his breaking point so I needed to intervene efficiently enough for him to still feel supported all while being accountable. I looked at him and he turned to me and whispered sorry.

I looked at him like:

And asked him to apologize to A* once again: he said no because he just wanted to continue playing with A*.
Now in my head I am like: okay, lil man, now is the time because you know it’s the most caring thing to do for her and to herself

So I put him on my lap and reminded him that he was capable of doing it and that it will make him feel better to know that he repaired it. Homeboy battled, tried to provoke A* into reacting & cried for a nice minute until he whispered “Sorry again” even though he couldn’t really

look A* in the eye. I asked A* if she heard something and she said “ Sorry” and asked her if she accepted it and she said “Yes” and they continued playing.

and my job was done. Now see, this whole experience took 25 minutes to work out and I just feel relieved that I get to do foundational work that impacts them constructively. I want them to know that learning is co-constructive and sometimes pretty challenging

I want them to feel how important it is to understand their power impactz the collectives/communities they evolve in no matter how much their individualistic cultures make them believe in their all-powerfulness.

I want them to know that loving them also means me staying on honest with my ethical values and not feeding into their fears of abandonment. I always tell them that they are lovable regardless of how they behave and it really warms my heart to be able to watch them grow