if u have been tracking it the sense of psychological totalism is higher and more imminent than ever. now when relatives call me if a controversial topic comes up me just saying “yeah idk” or “i guess” gets the red lights flashing, i dont even have to disagree or challenge them

was talking to someone last night and they wondered when i could drive there (not far). said id come in the spring. my confidence and lack of panic was enough, they began probing me, they [needed] to hear the “appropriate” level of worry in my voice to continue the conversation.

interestingly enough at the end of the conversation they offhandedly remarked “well maybe you can come in february or earlier lol thatd be cool”. so it wasnt even about the timeframe or actual “danger”, it was just about me not displaying the correct social and verbal signals.

its like this w every topic now. where it was at 10, 15% before, its way higher now. someone asked me about something else, i just said, “i don’t know”. they pressed me, i said “how would i know that? what information would i base that on?”. they kept pressing me. tell me. reveal

that was an interesting one because i wouldnt budge, i was genuinely asking, “how can i know that? what information would i base it on?” and they couldnt tell me. but of course that was enough, to know i am not doing the “correct thing”, you can feel it, its extremely tangible.

if u look into the biology of it social rejection, social “cut off”‘ness is felt by even very “simple” organisms. my theory is you can literally feel it, and i can, its a physical sensation, when someone designates you as “anathema”, its a sensation just like wet, hot, cold, etc

its not a big deal for me, im used to it, i live far from it, in an environment suited to being the kind of person i am, mostly i wonder how it affects other people, who are still in the “thick of it”, many of whom have no capacity or tools for self reflection / metacognition

im sure there are lots of people, many of whom have no practice of reflecting on their interior lives who, unbeknownst to themselves even, are having a very hard time with it, desperately seeking safe little shells to hide under, little safe cocoons away from this invisible sting

u get people who are hardcore drug addicts denying it to themselves, people who spend X years in Y terrible situation, its actually pretty difficult to analyze ur own life so, something like this, so incorporeal and subtle yet complex, very few people understand it, almost no one