The older I get, the more I realize I'm not Luke or Han -- I'm the Rebel nerd who stared at a holo of the Death Star plans for 36 hours straight, fueled only by space coffee and spite, and ran simulations until I said HUH WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF WE SHOT A BOMB DOWN THIS HOLE

I'm telling you, SpaceMe will have this image burned onto my retinas for the rest of my life

SpaceMe: WHEW remember that time we ran simulations on a superweapon all night only for that idiot pilot to turn off the idiotproof targeting computer we rigged up for him but HEY at least our strategy worked glad I never have to do THAT again

SpaceBoss: yeahhhh . . . about that

SpaceMe, 72 hours and 43 cups of space coffee later): So remember that hole we shot a bomb down last time?

SpaceBoss: um yeah?

SpaceMe: yeah we can't do that again

SpaceBoss: oh shit, did they close the hole?

SpaceMe: nope

SpaceBoss: .....?

SpaceMe: tHEy MAde iT biGgeR

SpaceBoss: .......they wut

SpaceMe: I KNOW. I tried to get the Imperial engineering team on comms to tell them to fire whatever hack they hired to--

SpaceBoss: you WUT

SpaceMe: --but when I told them I was with Rebellion analytics, they hung up on me before I could explain

SpaceBoss:

Me:

SpaceBoss:

Me: ......LOOK engineering work that shoddy is embarrassing and whoever designed it needs to never be allowed in the industry again and--

SpaceBoss: JUST TELL ME HOW TO BLOW IT UP

SpaceMe:

SpaceMe: oh

SpaceMe: OH that's a GREAT idea once we demonstrate how structurally unsound it is they'll totally have to fire them for PR purposes and--

SpaceBoss: R A E

SpaceMe: Hm? Oh yeah w/e just fly into the hole and shoot a bomb from inside this time easypeasy

SpaceBoss:

SpaceMe:

SpaceBoss:

SpaceMe: just tell them to fly fast enough not to be inside when it blows up bc that would be less than optimal

SpaceBoss: .....okay anything else?

SpaceMe: Well you'll want to rig up a bunch of EMPs for whatever absurdly large fleet they have guarding their multi-trillion credit investment so we don't blow it up again

SpaceBoss: oh no prob the Bothans told us nobody's there

SpaceMe:

SpaceMe: .....um are you sure they mean the Death Star and not like the Debt Star bc I mean it's easy to get them confused and--

SpaceBoss: nope we're solid nobody's guarding it

SpaceMe: ...and you're SURE this isn't some kind of super basic disinformation campaign?

SpaceBoss:

SpaceMe: .....okay um I guess we should talk about the giant invisible shield around it?

SpaceBoss: oh np we're sending down a little team of people to blow up the shield generator on Endor

SpaceMe: ......rather than having our engineers calculate a precision strike from orbit?

SpaceBoss: we're being SNEAKY

SpaceMe: ....you mean dozens of Rebellion ships hypering into the sector won't tip off the fleet that the Bothans say isn't there?

SpaceBoss: nope

SpaceMe: ....well as long as it's not that idiot pilot who ignored our idiotproof targeting computer

SpaceBoss:

SpaceMe:

SpaceBoss:

SpaceBoss:

SpaceBoss: look it's technically General Solo running the mission so--

SpaceMe:

SpaceMe: so let me get this straight instead of doing a drone strike we're sending that pseudo-monk Plankiller--

SpaceBoss: Skywalker

SpaceMe: --and a criminal whose talent subtlety is matched only by a krayt dragon next you'll be telling me we're sending the rebellion's LEADER

SpaceBoss:

SpaceMe:

SpaceMe:

SpaceMe: ......you're not telling me we're sending three of the most visible -- and therefore most wanted -- VIPs of the Rebellion to do a quick sabotage job that could easily be handled by a special ops force

SpaceBoss:

SpaceMe: ....okay PLEASE don't tell me that Calruffian dude is going down there too

SpaceBoss: yeah no worries he'll be super far away from that operation--

SpaceMe: miracle of miracles

SpaceBoss: --and leading the squadrons flying into that huge hole you pointed out

SpaceMe:

SpaceMe: .....okay fine w/e could we just BRIEFLY review that part about the fleet that the Bothans say isn't there to guard the multi-trillion credit superweapon--

SpaceBoss: no

SpaceMe: --didn't they ALSO say the Emperor is coming for a little housewarming party?

SpaceBoss:

SpaceMe: I mean correct me if I'm wrong--

SpaceBoss: you're wrong

SpaceMe: --but wouldn't you say protecting the absolute supreme ruler of a galaxy-spanning empire requires SLIGHTLY more security than usual?

SpaceBoss: what part of "you're wrong" are you not hearing

SpaceMe: And IF NOTHING ELSE a proper housewarming for a superweapon has to mean tons of VIPs all of which would either bring private security or insist on heightened Imperial security--

SpaceBoss: look the Emperor's a snob I'm sure it's just a small guest list

SpaceMe:

SpaceMe: ......WELP it looks like you're all set so I'm going to take all that PTO I've been saving up--

SpaceBoss: only VIPs get PTO

SpaceMe: --and mosey over to Belazura for a bit. Tell Mon Mothra if you guys survive that I want a better seat at the medal ceremony this time

(okay, judging by how many devs, engineers, data scientists, and QA people are agreeing with this, I'm gonna say SpaceMe definitely deserves a raise . . . or at least dental)

(the LEAST the Rebellion could do is give me dental for all of the teeth grinding and spacecoffee acid damage these poor things endure I'M JUST SAYIN)

(I mean you want to talk about crunch? Try "figure out what the weakness is on this superweapon before it blows us all up tomorrow good luck"
It's just not a sustainable retention practice! especially when nerds willing to work with the rebellion are already in such short supply)

https://twitter.com/RaeLoverde/status/1340661661829480451

okay, I know it's not going to happen, but humor me

IF Rebellion Analytics was a media property, which would you enjoy the most?

okay, for the reply guys taking this satire thread too seriously

SpaceMe is a mid-level (at best) analyst in a hilariously disorganized rebel movement -- do you think SpaceMe is going to have access to any kind of classified info re: Señor Erso?

Space Me (for literally the first three tweets since the rest are quite obviously in ROTJ) would have been given a schematic by my bosses and (at most) been told "there's a hole figure out how to destroy this thing using the hole"

btw

this is a satire thread

in case you forgot

I regret to inform you that I am not, in actuality, an architect or superweapon analyst in a fictional world

I deeply apologize for any distress my deception has caused and hope that you will support me in this, the time of my exposure as a fraudulent scientist

Pretty sure we have all had this management, however

https://twitter.com/RaeLoverde/status/1341216366091591680?s=20

Let's be real, the only difference if Space Me had access to classified info is . . .

Space Me @ hour 32, muttering: Sith's blood Erso would it have killed you to label this incomprehensible shit "INSERT BOMB HERE"

Erso's Force ghost: yes actually

https://twitter.com/RaeLoverde/status/1342757330484510726?s=20