The Tory cabinet as hospital staff, a thread. Matt, an A&E trainee doing anaesthetics. He’s tubed 11 people now and feels he’s got it. He thinks about personally performing a thoracotomy almost every single day. #medtwitter

Dr Truss. Scary geriatrician who goes mental if you call her a geriatrician. Patients love her, nurses love her, registrars love her once they’ve gone through the initiation years of pain. Makes FYs cry.

Dr Gove, incredibly pedantic and unpopular urogynaecologist who wears a white coat despite the rules. Bafflingly carries a tendon hammer and an ophthalmoscope. Wears those shoes for short men with a secret heel they advertise in the easyJet magazine: masaltos.

Dr Patel. The scariest med reg ever. Only dates men with PhDs, is rumoured to have sat and passed her part 1 in every specialty exam for fun. Doesn’t cry. Never says “call me priti”

Consultant plastic surgeon Dominic Raab. Seldom in the building, refuses to have a pager and his mobile doesn’t work in the hospital. Believes nec fasc is a general surgery problem. Wishes it was 1996

Vascular registrar Rishi has a way with the ladies but at home has 5 kids and a wife. He keeps that quiet when the Christmas party comes around as he likes a dance and a “harmless” snog. Quite competent, may make an excellent consultant.

Jacob Rees Mogg. Radiologist of the non-interventional variety. He does less work for more money than everyone else. Vile to FYs, is allergic to daylight (PLE), listens to Mozart loudly in his office and won’t let you speak until the music stops.

Locum consultant surgeon Boris has been referred to the GMC four times and has been fully exonerated. He’s proud of this. He doesn’t believe in laparoscopy. Go big or go home. He only works 3 months a year and lives with blonde twins of 24 somewhere in the Middle East