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I spent ~20 hours this week talking & listening to our leaders at all levels. It wasn't "SHARP training." In fact, as I reflect, it was exactly what part of SHARP training should be, but isn't. I'm going to attempt to share lessons learned and some thoughts. A THREAD. https://twitter.com/scottjstephens/status/1339765907887771648
Before I discuss what we talked about, I'll tell you what we didn't talk about. We didn't talk about reporting procedures. Or securing our barracks. Or ways women can protect themselves. Or false accusations. We didn't really talk about victims at all.
Of course these things are important. Sadly, we have to continue to teach women how to protect themselves, because men continue assaulting women (& men) at alarming rates. But I argue we need to head SUPER far left on the "prevention" spectrum to the core of who we are as men.
We talked about rape. We talked about the visceral, savage, inexcusable act of violating another human being's agency and taking something from them that doesn't belong to you, and that they can never get back. We talked openly, and emotionally. I wanted it to be uncomfortable.
http://companyleader.themilitaryleader.com/2020/11/07/athena-thriving-gender-discrimination/ I framed these discussions around gender discrimination & sexism- which- I believe even stronger- is the foundation for the spectrum of erosion that allows someone to rape their teammate and prevents other teammates from stopping it. (insert article plug)
I started by asking, very simply, "how do we stop our soldiers from assaulting their teammates?" And we worked our way all the way back left to equality, particularly gender equality. Sadly, it takes some effort for many to make this connection but you must get them there.
I believe that if our soldiers do not see all other soldiers as their TRUE equal, then conditions are already set for the dehumanization necessary to rape them. I asked them if they think spouting useless platitudes such as "treat everyone with dignity and respect!" works.
We all agreed it doesn't. We agreed that we must fundamentally examine our own character and that of those we are trusted to lead. That changing people's mores and deeply rooted beliefs is difficult, if not somewhat impossible- and a challenge we are not really trained for.
How do you de-program toxic masculinity? How do you de-objectify women when it is pounded into our brains at every turn? How do you mitigate the impacts of violent pornography on impressionable young minds? I certainly didn't have any modules on this at BOLC, CCC, or ILE.
Then, with my audiences (overwhelmingly men), we talked about what shaped us as a man growing up. I asked "where did you learn about sex and sexuality?" Hardly anyone said parents (despite many talking about otherwise healthy relationships with parents). Or sex ed in school.
We talked about how men learn about sex in locker rooms, from movies, from each other, from fumbling through their own poorly prepared sexual encounters, & from pornography. We talked about how all of these situations present us with warped & objectified views of women.
We contrasted that with the macho, emotionless persona many of us were raised to believe both before & in the Army. One where intimacy and vulnerability are bad words. Where men are raised to be tough and dominant and worthy & celebrated for conquesting women at their leisure.
We talked about how this mindset, and sometimes outward hostility towards women destroys any chance of true equality. I asked my combat arms men, point blank, if they believed women belong among them. All said yes but I can still see doubt in their eyes and hushed conversations.
This led to great discussions. One of my favorite- "what if you have a female infantry soldier who is a bikini model as a hobby? Is that okay? *some cringe* Okay, now raise your hand if you have a shirtless selfie on your Tinder profile right now." *hands go up* *Lights go on*
I could write an entire thread on these discussions alone, but I want to get back to the point. Preventing rape begins with crushing rape culture. And as men, that burden belongs with us. I talked to them about the need to see and crush sexism with the same fervor as racism.
I talked about this idea where we must build "herd immunity" against sexism on our teams, by building antibodies against things like microaggressions and ignorance. A huge part of this is education and raw leadership by making clear what will and will not be tolerated.
Break. We talked A LOT about sex and consent. Our discussions this week re-affirmed my belief that we fundamentally do not understand what consent is beyond useless sayings like "no means no."
On that piece- we talked about how hard it can be for women to say no under duress or pressure. I read passages from "Know my Name." We talked about the idea of enthusiastic consent and I directed that every platoon hold training & discussions purely focused on consent.
It also became clear that some soldiers feel like all of this talk is designed to scare them into celibacy. There were some shocked looks on faces when I said "if you want to have sex, I want you to have sex. Sex can be amazing!"
I used this statement to talk about how we must stop trying to scare our soldiers and drive these conversations into the shadows. Rather- we need to talk openly with them about healthy sexual relationships and intimacy. Spend more time telling them what they can do than can't.
Wrapping up- we talked about plenty of other things but I doubt anyone is still reading. We talked about trust relationships, we talked about grooming, about predatory behaviors and how we must find & stop creeps & predators before they strike but that we do this better together.
At the end of the discussions, I asked everyone if they think we can solve any of these problems with one hour of PowerPoint a year. Everyone was a violent no. We talked about how we could get after it- through education & discussions & consistent messaging.
All of my PLs asked "but sir, when? So many other priorities." My answer- "I sign your training schedules. How many of you have blocks of instruction on these topics on there? I will protect them with extreme prejudice." *pens start furiously scribbling in notebooks*
My goal is to build a team where we talk about equality as much as we talk about tactics; consent as much as we talk about maintenance. That if there are predators among us they are deterred by antibodies swirling around them. A lot of work to do, but this week was a start. /end
