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My partner @whouroboros has advice for new sex workers.
She's settling down for bed so here it is:
Talk to people about boundaries.
If they ignore boundaries you articulate
leave.
Don't let people wheedle or convince you.
Yr boundary is more important than a client's orgasm
She's settling down for bed so here it is:
Talk to people about boundaries.
If they ignore boundaries you articulate
leave.
Don't let people wheedle or convince you.
Yr boundary is more important than a client's orgasm
If you're ND and inexperienced in identifying red flags
here is extra stuff she said I think will be helpful:
"Look at what they are doing to you,
how they're acting during your interaction.
Don't just listen to all the words and take them at their word.
Words are wind."
here is extra stuff she said I think will be helpful:
"Look at what they are doing to you,
how they're acting during your interaction.
Don't just listen to all the words and take them at their word.
Words are wind."
Getting into a CGL/MDLB/DDLG relationship for the first time?
write a contract w/ Dom FIRST w/:
your boundaries you know
and for situations THEY need YOUR consent for
(ex. CNC, sharing u, sleep sex, sex & substance use, hypno & mind control, what's allowed while gagged...)
write a contract w/ Dom FIRST w/:
your boundaries you know
and for situations THEY need YOUR consent for
(ex. CNC, sharing u, sleep sex, sex & substance use, hypno & mind control, what's allowed while gagged...)
Wow I want line 1 of this tattooed on my forehead 
@whouroboros: "Exploring your consent is self love;
if you're having problems with it, talk to friends you can discuss it with
or your local or online sex and kink education communities."
@whouroboros: "Exploring your consent is self love;
if you're having problems with it, talk to friends you can discuss it with
or your local or online sex and kink education communities."
This advice can easily be tailored to people who aren't sex workers.
If yr partner not feeling bad
is made to feel like a higher priority than yr boundaries
...why?
What do they do that shifts the dynamic
so you change yr mind for them when you assert a boundary?
If yr partner not feeling bad
is made to feel like a higher priority than yr boundaries
...why?
What do they do that shifts the dynamic
so you change yr mind for them when you assert a boundary?
Manipulative people
condition us in a relationship to shut up
with 3 D's:
•Derailing the discussion
•Defending their actions
(claiming their intent not to hurt you matters more than impact)
(claiming their supposed ignorance is an excuse)
and
•Degrading themselves.
condition us in a relationship to shut up
with 3 D's:
•Derailing the discussion
•Defending their actions
(claiming their intent not to hurt you matters more than impact)
(claiming their supposed ignorance is an excuse)
and
•Degrading themselves.
Derailing usually involves gaslighting you or making it about themselves
and "BUT I DIDN'T INTEND TO!"
Degrading themselves is a derailing tactic to make you sympathize
& back down because you feel guilty.
Threatening suicide is an example of this tactic as well.
and "BUT I DIDN'T INTEND TO!"
Degrading themselves is a derailing tactic to make you sympathize
& back down because you feel guilty.
Threatening suicide is an example of this tactic as well.
Even if your loved one feels bad
that doesn't change that they fucked up.
Bringing it up right then to u is an easy way to shut u up.
If they default to threatening themselves repeatedly every time they mess up
this quickly manipulates yr willingness to hold them accountable
that doesn't change that they fucked up.
Bringing it up right then to u is an easy way to shut u up.
If they default to threatening themselves repeatedly every time they mess up
this quickly manipulates yr willingness to hold them accountable
If you two aren't sitting down for an agreed-upon &
mutually desired talk about exploring outside yr comfort zones
why are you being pushed to step outside your comfort zone?
Who gains from it?
Does this happen a lot?
Is this just another boundary override?
mutually desired talk about exploring outside yr comfort zones
why are you being pushed to step outside your comfort zone?
Who gains from it?
Does this happen a lot?
Is this just another boundary override?
Sometimes it's hard to communicate boundaries
with the ones we care about when it arises.
Sometimes we freeze, struggle w/ assertion or the fawn impulse.
It's hard navigating a consent violation you didn't know how to express
esp if it's an auto response from years of abuse.
with the ones we care about when it arises.
Sometimes we freeze, struggle w/ assertion or the fawn impulse.
It's hard navigating a consent violation you didn't know how to express
esp if it's an auto response from years of abuse.
But let's be honest - not every consent violation is intentional.
So look at the patterns of how these things play out
the actions occurring
and their context within your relationship.
but don't just write your needs off like you did when you couldn't articulate the boundary.
So look at the patterns of how these things play out
the actions occurring
and their context within your relationship.
but don't just write your needs off like you did when you couldn't articulate the boundary.
I will tell you about a time this happened in my relationship with Emmy.
I don't like having my bellybutton fucked with
because of my ex-wife's repeated violation of my bodily autonomy
esp with regard to tickling
and constantly fucking with my bellybutton, my nose, my ears.
I don't like having my bellybutton fucked with
because of my ex-wife's repeated violation of my bodily autonomy
esp with regard to tickling
and constantly fucking with my bellybutton, my nose, my ears.
This isn't a boundary I often feel I must express to people
and when Emmy played with my bellybutton the first time
my brain made the Metal Gear Solid discovery noise and I was like
and froze.
It took me a lil bit to be able to say, "don't touch my fucking bellybutton."
and when Emmy played with my bellybutton the first time
my brain made the Metal Gear Solid discovery noise and I was like
and froze.It took me a lil bit to be able to say, "don't touch my fucking bellybutton."
Guess how many times she's messed with my bellybutton since then?
None!
None at all.
It happened once, a year ago, and never since.
So I feel good about how she's respected that boundary
and how that respect fits into the context of our history as a couple.
None!
None at all.
It happened once, a year ago, and never since.
So I feel good about how she's respected that boundary
and how that respect fits into the context of our history as a couple.
I feel respected.
I've been in many relationships where I haven't been
and it now, it makes it easy to tell when I suddenly DO feel respected.
Do you feel respected?
I've been in many relationships where I haven't been
and it now, it makes it easy to tell when I suddenly DO feel respected.
Do you feel respected?
Emmy still hasn't gone to sleep bc we've been talking about consent for like 1hr.
She adds,
"IME if someone makes you uncomfortable...
that's 1 time you're uncomfortable already,
you aren't obligated to wait for more"
Emmy had lots of experiences that made her trust her gut
She adds,
"IME if someone makes you uncomfortable...
that's 1 time you're uncomfortable already,
you aren't obligated to wait for more"
Emmy had lots of experiences that made her trust her gut
