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Christmas and New Year is always a time when I do a lot of reflection. Itās a transition of kinds. And it coincides with my birthday, another milestone. Since 2018 the end of the year has had a new significance. The anniversary of discovering that Iām autistic.
#AllAutistics
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#AllAutistics
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Iāve no regrets about being assessed apart from the Ā£Ā£Ā£ I had to spend on it. I should have had a free assessment in the UK but NHS waiting lists and my gender got in the way. I was in a hurry. Iād been waiting over half a century to make sense of me.
#autistic
#AutisticElders
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#autistic
#AutisticElders
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I got āthe knowledgeā before my formal diagnosis from hanging out with other autistic people online. Weād have conversations about important things like why cutlery matters. After a lifetime of being slightly at odds with the world itās hard to describe the joy of fitting in.
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This was effortless conversation with no agonising over what to say or how it might be heard. Open, honest, warm, funny, witty, clever, original, sensitive, empathic, passionate, ironic, bemused, sarcastic. All of these. Anger too, at how autistic people sometimes get treated.
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Being recognised by other #ActuallyAutistic people was just as important, probably more so, as what psychologists said. This was the culture I belonged in. Being accepted meant everything. Some of the people I met hadnāt been formally diagnosed but they were no less autistic.
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The only disappointing thing about getting a formal autism diagnosis as an adult was that wheels didnāt spring into motion. I had to push them round myself, burnt out as I was. Getting any support at all has been a long, slow, painful grind. Donāt let this put you off though.
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Getting diagnosed autistic has consequences. Some people will never look at me the same way again. Iāve battled against discrimination, like when it was suggested autism meant additional driving checks. And we may be excluded from a few professions, officially or otherwise.
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In spite of overwhelming evidence I still sometimes find it hard to believe Iām autistic. Decades of struggle and no one knew? But autism in women is very poorly understood. Weāre much more likely to be diagnosed with mental health issues or some kind of personality disorder.
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Autistic women can quite easily be labelled difficult. We not only fail to conform to neuronormative expectations, we often defy gender norms too. Having strong opinions is still the privilege of men. If we assert ourselves we risk being seen as angry, or mentally disordered.
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Iām not sure a formal diagnosis completely neutralises imposter syndrome. For someone like me, who lived nearly 60 years without being recognised as autistic, it may never disappear entirely. I find the best antidote to it is spending more time around other autistic people.
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As you may have deduced, Twitter is a kind of therapy for me. These self reflective threads help me to make sense of things. My whole life has been spent living dangerously. If youāre not autistic that may sound over dramatic. If youāre autistic you probably know what I mean.
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Dangerous situations are often connected with people. We learn that from being bullied at school. Little bullies grow into bigger ones. Adult life is full of politics and power games. We may not want to be involved but we have no choice. Staying neutral is seen as opposition.
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Itās not surprising we get wounded to begin with, undefended as we are. Over time we learn to protect ourselves by understanding what is going on. Harm can be done by institutions as well as individuals. We see patterns, use our intuition, attempt to avoid, escape, survive.
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Itās only been in the last few weeks, having therapy with someone whoās also autistic, that Iāve felt fully understood. In previous counselling sessions there was always a communication chasm. Not now. Itās like speaking the same language instead of referring to dictionaries.
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When I emailed the therapist to ask about sessions I said I wanted to go into old age less fearfully. Thereās a relief in knowing the psychological danger we perceive is real. Weāre not imagining or exaggerating it. This is something weāre vulnerable to. It can traumatise us.
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I spent my life dodging danger of different kinds. Sometimes I saw it coming, other times it crept up on me like a nasty surprise. Itās not surprising old wounds didnāt get a chance to heal. Like sharks homing in on blood in the water, bullies and abusers sensed my distress.
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Knowing Iām autistic isnāt a suit of armour, but it does provide some protection. I have a better sense of who I am, and how that differs from what other people expect of me. Iām empowered to assert my right not to be bullied or abused, and I have autistic friends and allies.
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Sometimes I feel like Iām six, or sixteen, not sixty. My childlike joy in the natural world has never diminished. The activities Iām most attracted to are often intended for under 10s - mudpie making and insect hunts. Itās the same emotionally. Perhaps I never fully grew up.
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I looked at what it meant to be a neurotypical adult and decided I didnāt want that for myself. Now I am following a completely different track. Iām on my way to becoming a fully functioning, emotionally mature, autistic person, not an awkward, ill at ease, faux allistic one.
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If only enlightened, supportive therapy was on offer for all autistic people who want it, formally diagnosed or not. Very few of us have escaped major trauma. Most of us are socially disenfranchised. And employment is denied to many of us, leaving us caught in a poverty trap.
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When we are cut loose after getting an #autism diagnosis it implies we should just get on with our lives. It often isnāt that easy. Autistic people are at high risk of mental health issues and #CPTSD. Our difficulties can become compounded, they donāt tend to simply go away.
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The interconnectedness and complexity of issues doesnāt always lend itself to standardised IAPT or CMHT approaches. But what else is there? A few autistic people are getting funding for specialist trauma informed therapy, but that tends to be the exception, not the rule.
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