Okay I feel like I need to explain something gently rn because it seems to be deeply confusing to my masculine-of-center gamer friends.

When I walk into a room full of gamers and I am the only woman, *I will always notice.*

And it takes energy. Because I *cannot* let my guard down - *especially* if these are men I don't know. I suddenly am carrying: representing ALL WOMEN AND HOW WOMEN PLAY GAMES. I might be commodified or objectified. I might be judged as The Girlfriend of a more serious player.

I become extra aware of my mistakes, lest I fall victim to "Girls can't play games" and suddenly let down All Women. I become hyper-vigilant for any perceived slight, for any misogyny, for any sideways comments about my appearance.

But what if none of these things happen? What if the men I'm playing with are lovely? What if they're super aware, deeply feminist, and really supportive?

That's great! But I *still have to prepare myself,* and that takes energy. Because I can't be caught off-guard.

This is a tough thing to bring up to gamer friends of mine that are men, because they kind of take it as a personal slight like - have *I* been terrible?

No, but it isn't about you, in this instance, my dude. It's about every. Single. Experience. That has led to this moment.

Of course this goes double for women of color and like, triple, for Black women especially in gaming, for transwomen in gaming, for nonbinary people in gaming.

When you're the only one "like you" in the room, you ALWAYS notice. It doesn't matter now nice people are.

This has been my "Gender in Gaming TED talk," thank you for coming. I'll be here all week.

I feel like I should add a clearer conclusion. Male-identified gamer friends! If your femme of center gamer friends just, kinda, y'know, can't? One night? With your otherwise all-male gamer group? She's probably too tired to do this preparation!

And if your lady gamer friends says something about this, please don't be like "OMG BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING SO WELL!! I FEEL SO TERRIBLE! SOOTHE MY EGO!"

Just like - make her tea and get a warm blanket and *listen* because if she's TELLING YOU then she TRUSTS YOU.