I saw a tweet this morning about searching for your words etc during a presentation and honestly, I am still hot so here's a thread where I am gonna vent about bilingualism and not having English as a first language. I was born and raised learning Greek and its Cypriot dialect...

I was one of the lucky Cypriots that were exposed to English early on and picked it up really fast. However, even with that, it's still hard most days. One of the worst aspects of it is enveloping anxiety over saying the wrong thing. Not necessarily about offending someone...

...but rather wording something poorly. I still replay job interviews in my head wondering whether using better/different vocabulary would have gotten me the job. A few of the "dream" jobs that got away still haunt me. Social networking and interacting is another one.

I know I mumble my words and start fumbling for simple words when I am tired or have had a drink. As a result in conferences, I rarely drink alcohol and often skip late-night social events out of worry that I won't look good..

I've replayed various social interactions in my head wondering whether I have used improper or aged vernacular (saying "hey guys" to address a group of people for example) and whether that cost me a networking opportunity. A particular example is me loosening up and having a beer

and running into a prominent wolf researcher who actually talked to me. During the conversation, I described coyotes as "gorgeous beasties". There was no indication that the words bothered him but after that he never responded to my emails etc. Odds are he was probably busy...

...but part of me will always wonder whether those words or any other have cost me an opportunity. I am not even gonna mention that speaking English and speaking science/academia English is an entirely different thing. The main criticism I get is that I write way too simply...

...In fact, one comment I got was "I am surprised you were even admitted to an MS program". While I try hard to improve and have native English speakers proofread everything (shoutout to my wife and friends who read my thesis too many times), sometimes I have to crunch and....

...not proofread. More often than not I wonder if that cost me anything in a profession that requires writing excellence from its participants. Lastly fumbling for words is something that can happen no matter what. I could be well-rested, well-fed and well-caffeinated, and still.

...not be able to find the word I am looking for. During my own MS defence, I was so stressed I stopped for a whole minute looking for the word otter. Another time while presenting to stakeholders I mentioned coyote as "wolf light".I might laugh about it later....

...but more often than not I am embarrassed by it. I practice my talks most times (sometimes I will admit to winging it) and everything goes smoothly until it doesn't. Also charisma unfortunately doesn't always translate well. I often hear about how people behave differently...

...when they are around people that speak the same language and I can 100% attest to that. Mind you this is all coming from someone who is white, male and neurotypical. Can't possibly imagine what it must be like for some other folks out there.