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CW: child assault (gonna talk risk and prevention, a thread)
The anti-trans bathroom wars so often focus on vulnerable children* being assaulted by men**
*girls, they are unconcerned about children of other genders
**they consider trans women to be men
The anti-trans bathroom wars so often focus on vulnerable children* being assaulted by men**
*girls, they are unconcerned about children of other genders
**they consider trans women to be men
CW: child assault
There are a lot of harmful assumptions in here. That anatomy is what leads to assault. That only men commit assault. That their victims are always women and girls. That public enclosed spaces are where these things happen. That strangers are the danger.
There are a lot of harmful assumptions in here. That anatomy is what leads to assault. That only men commit assault. That their victims are always women and girls. That public enclosed spaces are where these things happen. That strangers are the danger.
CW: child assault
There are patterns in who is most likely to harm children. They are not universal; anyone of any gender *can.* There are patterns about which children are at risk; girls' risk is somewhat higher but not astronomically so. All children are vulnerable.
There are patterns in who is most likely to harm children. They are not universal; anyone of any gender *can.* There are patterns about which children are at risk; girls' risk is somewhat higher but not astronomically so. All children are vulnerable.
CW: child assault
The anatomy of the assailant is largely irrelevant. This shit is and has always been about power. It's much more likely to be a man, which, if you think about how relative power works in our society, shouldn't be a huge shock. It's not about his genitals.
The anatomy of the assailant is largely irrelevant. This shit is and has always been about power. It's much more likely to be a man, which, if you think about how relative power works in our society, shouldn't be a huge shock. It's not about his genitals.
CW: child assault
In a lot of cases, attraction isn't involved; people with unwanted attraction to children often choose medication and therapy because they don't want to hurt anyone. They deserve compassion.
People who harm children are mostly people who get off on power.
In a lot of cases, attraction isn't involved; people with unwanted attraction to children often choose medication and therapy because they don't want to hurt anyone. They deserve compassion.
People who harm children are mostly people who get off on power.
CW: child assault
I'm saying "harm" here rather than "sexually assault" because it's the important part. The form the harm takes might change; some people might say it doesn't count if various things do or don't happen.
That's all bullshit.
Anyway let's talk about risk.
I'm saying "harm" here rather than "sexually assault" because it's the important part. The form the harm takes might change; some people might say it doesn't count if various things do or don't happen.
That's all bullshit.
Anyway let's talk about risk.
CW: child assault
**The highest risk outside of the family comes from men in positions of authority with unrestricted access to children.**
Read that again, because it's *very important.* Actual highest risk is a family member, but second is: coaches, priests, camp counselors.
**The highest risk outside of the family comes from men in positions of authority with unrestricted access to children.**
Read that again, because it's *very important.* Actual highest risk is a family member, but second is: coaches, priests, camp counselors.
CW: child assault
This should shock no one. Predators go into this knowing what they're doing. They cultivate good reputations, they give to charity, etc. They test the boundaries with kids and families all the time. There is a playbook. It's horrible. It's real. It's common.
This should shock no one. Predators go into this knowing what they're doing. They cultivate good reputations, they give to charity, etc. They test the boundaries with kids and families all the time. There is a playbook. It's horrible. It's real. It's common.
CW: child assault
This doesn't mean no one else ever harms a child. But this is where the primary risk is. And yeah, it's usually men, but women aren't off the hook here; they start to show up in much the same way. Family members, coaches, etc.
Authority plus access.
This doesn't mean no one else ever harms a child. But this is where the primary risk is. And yeah, it's usually men, but women aren't off the hook here; they start to show up in much the same way. Family members, coaches, etc.
Authority plus access.
CW: child assault
So protecting your child from strangers isn't what matters, not really. Most strangers are perfectly decent people and *even if they aren't* their capacity to do harm is limited by their lack of long-term access to your kid.
So protecting your child from strangers isn't what matters, not really. Most strangers are perfectly decent people and *even if they aren't* their capacity to do harm is limited by their lack of long-term access to your kid.
CW: child assault
A transient bad experience is not a good thing but it's *worlds* different than a family member who has access to a child for a decade.
One of these things is easier to heal from, easier to support a child through, by a lot.
A transient bad experience is not a good thing but it's *worlds* different than a family member who has access to a child for a decade.
One of these things is easier to heal from, easier to support a child through, by a lot.
CW: child assault
So. Prevention. There's a lot of necessary societal change, but let's focus for a minute on what parents can teach their children to reduce their risk.
None of it is perfect, but these are good things to do in general anyway.
So. Prevention. There's a lot of necessary societal change, but let's focus for a minute on what parents can teach their children to reduce their risk.
None of it is perfect, but these are good things to do in general anyway.
CW: child assault
1. No secrets. Start young. Distinguish between secrets and surprises. Discuss privacy versus shame. There are age-appropriate ways to introduce these young. You want a child to respond to "can you keep a secret?" with "we don't keep secrets in our family."
1. No secrets. Start young. Distinguish between secrets and surprises. Discuss privacy versus shame. There are age-appropriate ways to introduce these young. You want a child to respond to "can you keep a secret?" with "we don't keep secrets in our family."
CW: child assault
2. Bodily autonomy. From the beginning, be mindful that your child's body is not yours. Touch them with their permission if at all possible. Times when you will need to touch them without permission will naturally decrease as they become more independent.
2. Bodily autonomy. From the beginning, be mindful that your child's body is not yours. Touch them with their permission if at all possible. Times when you will need to touch them without permission will naturally decrease as they become more independent.
CW, child assault
3. Use real language, avoid shame. Talk to kids about anatomy and bodies all along, and do it without shame. Predators count on kids not having the vocabulary to report things, or on thinking of themselves as dirty or shameful.
3. Use real language, avoid shame. Talk to kids about anatomy and bodies all along, and do it without shame. Predators count on kids not having the vocabulary to report things, or on thinking of themselves as dirty or shameful.
CW: child assault
4. Trust your child, and encourage them to trust themselves. If your kid doesn't like someone, don't force them to act like they do. NEVER force touch. And encourage your child to notice when they're uncomfortable and take action. This is vital.
4. Trust your child, and encourage them to trust themselves. If your kid doesn't like someone, don't force them to act like they do. NEVER force touch. And encourage your child to notice when they're uncomfortable and take action. This is vital.
CW: child assault
Too many of us, especially those socialized as girls, were consistently expected to ignore our own discomfort to make other people happy. This has lifelong consequences, and it's genuinely easy to avoid if you just trust your kid.
Too many of us, especially those socialized as girls, were consistently expected to ignore our own discomfort to make other people happy. This has lifelong consequences, and it's genuinely easy to avoid if you just trust your kid.
CW: child assault
5. Establish early that you will believe your child. They're fuzzy on the difference between fantasy and reality when they're little; help them learn that difference, and encourage honesty without using loaded language. Yelling at a kid for lying doesn't work.
5. Establish early that you will believe your child. They're fuzzy on the difference between fantasy and reality when they're little; help them learn that difference, and encourage honesty without using loaded language. Yelling at a kid for lying doesn't work.
CW: child assault
6. Earn your child's trust that you will react well when they tell you hard things. This is hard and important. Stay calm, listen, reassure the child, have your own feelings slightly later and with someone else for support.
6. Earn your child's trust that you will react well when they tell you hard things. This is hard and important. Stay calm, listen, reassure the child, have your own feelings slightly later and with someone else for support.
CW: child assault
If you get visibly upset when your child tells you something you wish wasn't true, they'll stop telling you things that upset you. Yeah, even if you don't take it out on them in any way. Your kid doesn't want to hurt you, and they're not good at nuance.
If you get visibly upset when your child tells you something you wish wasn't true, they'll stop telling you things that upset you. Yeah, even if you don't take it out on them in any way. Your kid doesn't want to hurt you, and they're not good at nuance.
CW: child assault
Yes, this means practicing patience like mad. It means explaining your feelings more than is comfortable. It means you have to do some work to earn your kid's trust and not just expect them to be completely honest.
Again, you do not own your child.
Yes, this means practicing patience like mad. It means explaining your feelings more than is comfortable. It means you have to do some work to earn your kid's trust and not just expect them to be completely honest.
Again, you do not own your child.
CW: child assault
These are generally good parenting practices anyway - ways to encourage a child to be confident, trust themselves, and be able to come to you with problems. So there isn't really a downside unless you're unprepared to deal with your toddler shouting "vagina"
These are generally good parenting practices anyway - ways to encourage a child to be confident, trust themselves, and be able to come to you with problems. So there isn't really a downside unless you're unprepared to deal with your toddler shouting "vagina"
CW: child assault
Also, to circle back around to public restroom stranger danger situations: if your kid trusts their own instincts, knows no one is allowed to touch them without permission, and tells you things? Even if something awful happens, that kid is going to be fine.
Also, to circle back around to public restroom stranger danger situations: if your kid trusts their own instincts, knows no one is allowed to touch them without permission, and tells you things? Even if something awful happens, that kid is going to be fine.
CW: child assault
If you listen, believe, support, and generally don't freak out, a traumatic childhood experience's harm will be *significantly* mitigated. Your child can heal. You can help. The world can be cruel; people are resilient; we can only do our best.
If you listen, believe, support, and generally don't freak out, a traumatic childhood experience's harm will be *significantly* mitigated. Your child can heal. You can help. The world can be cruel; people are resilient; we can only do our best.
CW: child assault
Trans women, or even men, in enclosed public spaces? They're not a significant risk to your child, or to you. These arguments are either ignorant or insincere. They drum up fear to drive public policy to hurt marginalized people.
Don't fall for it.
Trans women, or even men, in enclosed public spaces? They're not a significant risk to your child, or to you. These arguments are either ignorant or insincere. They drum up fear to drive public policy to hurt marginalized people.
Don't fall for it.
