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I started hormones five years ago today, and I'm a very different person from the man I once was. But what's much more interesting to me is how different I am from the *woman* I once was.
Allow me to explain.
Allow me to explain.
First, I have a hard time identifying with That Guy; so much of his life is just hazy memories of hating myself. I feel like "me" in any meaningful sense begins when I came to life and he slunk into the darkness. So there's that.
And second, when I transitioned socially in the spring of 2016, I was such a fucking baby. The saying is that when you transition you regress to fourteen, and that's extremely true in my case. I feel like a young woman looking back on her awkward teen years.
In 2016, it was all new and fraught. I felt the need to *really* stubbornly assert my new identity, all the while insisting I hadn't changed at all. I don't know what I expected my friends and family when they saw me gothed up and awkward as fuck.
More importantly, though, I was so hungry for validation and so scared of being ridiculed that my spikes were out. I became very punchy, especially as my marriage fell apart and my career took off. I transitioned very publicly.
That's super common. We transition and immediately assume really confrontational attitudes and aesthetics, because 1) that's a straightforward way to be feminine that doesn't feel like self-parody and 2) it provides a shield of toughness.
I was so fucking *scared* all the time, so I leaned into black lipstick and raccoon eyes. It took me three years to stop wearing lipstick *every single day*. That's the truth. I spent those years, like a teenage girl, trying to assert a womanhood beyond her years.
What's fascinating to me this year, this whole fifth year, has been the degree to which I've stopped feeling the need to do that. Stopped feeling the need to make sure I had a bra on so that my tits weren't flattened or lost, or to full-face every morning.
It's just gotten comfortable. It's settled down. I've settled into this life to the point that gender isn't only something I no longer think about constantly, but it's also something that I'm frankly growing bored of.
The biggest change is in my relationship with my dad.
When I transitioned, he took it very, very badly, and the divide is something we've really struggled to bridge. It came to a head this year and we had it out. And I surprised myself with what I said.,
When I transitioned, he took it very, very badly, and the divide is something we've really struggled to bridge. It came to a head this year and we had it out. And I surprised myself with what I said.,
Dad: I don't know if I'll ever be able to think of you as a daughter.
Me: I don't actually give a shit what you think about me as long as you call me by my name and stop asking me to justify my decision.
Me: I don't actually give a shit what you think about me as long as you call me by my name and stop asking me to justify my decision.
I *did* used to give a shit. Not only about him, but my friends as well. I got really fucked up when I'd get accidentally misgendered because it meant I wasn't "really" a woman to them.
But now I just...I just have a hard time giving a shit what anyone else thinks of what I am.
But now I just...I just have a hard time giving a shit what anyone else thinks of what I am.
So like, yeah. Here I am, at a figurative nineteen in trans years (which, again, start at 14) and finally settling down into something and someone way less insecure, way less interested in convincing anyone of anything, because it doesn't matter.
One of the things that has increasingly bothered me about trans twitter is how much of the conversation is driven by really recent transitioners (and that included me in my time) because so many of the rest of us just deliberately fade out after a point.
It's frustrating, because it means the discourse is driven by a very narrow experience of transness as something needing to be defended and theorized and argued. This isn't to deride anyone or their experiences. I've been there too!
I just wish more of us somewhat more experienced trans weren't so exhausted and frustrated and bored by the whole damn thing and had the energy to still engage. But we're pretty all about burning our elders.
That's a valuable perspective that too often goes unheard; the media is more interested in the kicked-up and entirely justified anger of the trans kids and the we're-just-like-you celebrity set.
Anyway, so this is the start of my sixth year, which absolutely boggles me, because I remember being in awe when I realized I'd been socially transitioning for three *weeks*. I hope I can fade further into the background of these debates and worries.
Anyone who wants to know my mind and my thinking can read my books, which at least I get paid for, unlike days-long twitter fights with strangers who hate me.
I don't need to justify myself anymore.
I don't need to justify myself anymore.
Thank you, and bless.
