For someone who didn’t sleep last night, I feel surprisingly chipper and happy this morning

I took an hour or so to journal and just kind of reflect on my projects and life and how things feel right now

In spite of the ups and downs, and spite of 2020, things are pretty great

Like, there are things that aren’t ideal (Covid keeping me away from social stuff comes to mind), but god. I’ve never felt so engaged and alive as I have the last 6 months or so.

Feels like I’m finally healing more from my divorce. Feels like I’m getting comfortable on my own.

I can’t think of a time in my life when I wasn’t YEARNING for something I wanted and didn’t have. Money. Freedom. Engagement with my work. My transition. Social connection.

And suddenly it feels like I have all of those things. Maybe not a lot, but definitely _enough_.

And there’s a shocking amount of freedom in realizing that enough is _enough_. I love everything I’m working on right now to the point that I’m complaining about having to sleep.

I’ve NEVER felt like that before. You guys don’t know how big of a deal this is for me.

And even the fact that I’m considering that dating someone might be a distraction for me right now... it’s an entirely new way of thinking for me.

I spent years distracting myself with games, with drugs, with alcohol from how unhappy I was.

I just don’t feel that way anymore.

The self work I’ve been doing on exploring my trauma has been so positive and healing. The magic stuff is just straight up fun. The business stuff keeps me engaged and sharp. And all of my projects just give me these great creative outlets that keep things fresh and interesting.

Plus Twitter has been so amazing, especially in the absence of other social outlets. I love the scene here. You guys are funny, you’re fun, I really like you! Y’all are always here to chat and you inspire and push me to do so much more than I would otherwise.

I spent so long moving around in like this... self hating depressed fog, wondering when my life would actually feel like it had started and I wasn’t just killing time.

I’m not naive enough to think I won’t ever feel that way again but... gosh. Things are so different now.

My life is less stable and less predictable than it’s ever been before I kind of love the challenge and excitement of it all.

It makes me wish I hadn’t wasted time chasing things I felt like were “supposed” to make me happy. Because they didn’t.

Anyway, that’s all. I’m feeling great today. Really really grateful that I’ve been able to build exactly the life I kind of always wanted. It took some work and some detours but it’s pretty cool.

It’s nice actually looking forward with excitement for a change.