Because I’m actively avoiding writing my final OpEd for the year let me tell you about the ONLY time I took a photo of my boobs but sent it via text to every contact. And to ensure absolutely everyone got a copy of the pic, I also sent it to every email contact. Excellent work.

It was the time I went total cold turkey hardcore quitting of cigarettes. No nicotine replacement. Just quit. So that’s a plus in my favour. Health & all that.
Coincidentally I also entered into a severe insomnia episode. Like barely any sleep for 3 days. An hour here or there

Things were getting dire and I knew I had to get to the Dr. I made an appointment but the first available was basically the third day of my sleep deprivation. My Dr was on holiday & the locum was only working part time.

Offspring2 was living with me so they took me to the Dr. The locum & I were new to one another but I was beyond caring. I just needed help. I explained that I had a past with sleeping pill addictions (lifetime insomnia y’all. It sucks) so I didn’t want a long term script.

I wasn’t hypomanic. My brain wasn’t racing. I didn’t think I was a sexy shopping spree Wonder Woman. I was just frackin exhausted and needed to sleep. I asked the Dr for help.

Just something to knock me out for a night or 2.
Locum scribbled something on paper & off I went to the pharmacy. Not my usual pharmacy but the one next to the Drs. Pharmacist looked quizzically at me. No time dude I’ve got sleep to get!

Got the 2 little blue pills and went home. Was too desperate to wait until bedtime. I had a quick shower, put on jarmies, brushed my teeth & took the first pill, put my ph on charge next to the bed & snuggled down into my duvet. Said a little prayer and closed my eyes.

That’s the last thing I remember.

Based on reliable witness testimony (Offspring1) & evidence of widespread communications, this is what happened.

I never went to sleep.

My bedroom was upstairs & Offspring1 was downstairs doing some uni study. Their ph pinged w a txt pic from me. Of boobs.

Like WTAF?! A txt from my mother of boobs?!! Her boobs?
Surely not!

Then their ph pinged again. This time an email. The same knockers photo to a GROUP email

Can I just add in here that the communiques were only the photo. Just one photo. No words.

And as an aside, I later saw that photo and in my defense it was a blimmin good photo. Not only did I get the 70s Playboy pose just right, my boobs looked magnificent framed in white cotton anglaise jarmies AND I used a soft focus filter. So there. Skills.

And btw I’d never take selfies like that. I’m more of a pro choice. Free the nipple. You be free. You do you. As for me I choose not to. Well at least I cognitively choose not to. Oh hell. Whatever. Ok.

Back to the drama. Offspring1 sprinted upstairs and crashed into my room. They fought me to get my phone. They slapped me. Screamed at me. And never left my side. They ph’d the dr & said what was going on. Was told just to keep an eye on me and NOT to give me that other pill.

Now some of you may know that I own a business. I’ve worked in publishing my whole career. I’ve been heavily involved in politics and on advisory boards.
My contacts ranged from the PM to CEOs, to activists, family, business clients & my church MINISTER! & thankfully my lawyers.

I did eventually fall asleep. I slept a really really long time blissfully unaware of what I’d done.

When I woke up, showered & dressed, I went downstairs feeling fantastic. Fantastic right up until the time Offspring1 spoke. Loudly. Succinctly.
“PHONE YOUR LAWYER. NOW!”

I called him. He answered the phone laughing. “Honestly, you would have to be my favourite client. You have the best problems. This one seems to involve everyone you know.”
Not helping mr lawyer. Not helping.

Am I breathing? Am I dead yet? Should I move to an uninhabited island with my favourite volley ball? Can I afford to buy a one way ticket on a Russian space shuttle?

Oh dear.

This is bad.

Really bad.

We had to send out an official apology message. Said that the communications were sent without my knowledge. (Technically true. Whatevs).

And pun intended, I managed to save face because my face was not in the picture. And no words. Thank you Lord.

Also, thankfully, many of my contacts had filter software so my emails were auto sent to the spam box. I guess many assumed I was hacked. Ok, when they asked if I was hacked I didn’t confirm nor deny. Embarrassment issues prevailed.

One person in the lawyers office congratulated me on having very nice skin. Kill me now.

Weeks later I was able to research those pills. Turns out my experience wasn’t entirely unique. Quitting nicotine cold turkey can lead to insomnia, add in those pills & whammo. Armageddon.

One woman was prescribed them to alleviate jet lag insomnia. She’d removed nicotine patches and decided to quit smoking. Insomnia +! She took the pills & didn’t sleep instead ran around the house brandishing a carving knife scaring the feck out of her family. Zero recollection.

TLDR: me + insomnia + blue pills = boob pics.

Takeaway: never ever take little blue pills. Ever. And avoid smart phones.

And NO I’m not sharing the actual photo with you ya filthy animals. It’s been deleted.

I’ll go back to work now. As you were.

xxx