Alright, Dating/Marriage thread as promised.

I'm going to leave out the meme culture and keep this as straightward and real as I can. https://twitter.com/RopeExpertDave/status/1338008719301468160

A little background, I'm in my late 30s, married (13 years) and a father of 3 (1 girl *4yro*, 2 boys *2yro & 5 months*) all with the same woman. I've never been divorced, but we did come close once.

Ill start at dating because that's how you get to the marriage part. Usually.

Dating or finding a woman is actually easier than most people think, the problem is how they look for them.
Better said, its a different thing to look for a wife than it is to look for a date.

This may sound common sense, but females generally recognize intent early.

Women are wired in a way not too different than men.
They immediately ask themselves if they can imagine having sex with, getting married to or growing old with a prospective guy.

Keep this in mind and use the same tone you would with an old friend. Thats actually what you want.

You should look at a woman you want to keep as if you've already had sex together and you both loved it.

The same goes for casual conversation, you speak as if you're talking to a good friend for the 1000th time.

Women get nervous too, by being comfortable you set the mood.

The woman you approach with intent to make her a wife, a mother and a lover isnt going to transform into those things. She is or isnt.

Talk to her as if she already is that person. However, you have to actually want those things. If you just want to get laid, she will know it.

Rather than worry about "getting a girl" you should worry about getting "the right one".

Random meetings of perfect couples happen, but more often than not lasting couples find each other over shared interests. Look for a wife in a place that starts with a stong commonality.

If you enjoy the outdoors, find groups (like fb etc) that do outdoor stuff like kyaking, hiking, climbing and the like.

Go where the people who share your interests are. If you want a lasting relationship, you have to be friends. You'll be talking to her the rest of your life.

Getting married means feeding them when theyre sick, holding them when they cry, buying tampons for them at the store, seeing a human pop out of their vagina, holding their hair while they puke, bending them over the couch, locking them out of the car when theyre bitchy.

Women immediately run through all these scenarios when they size you up. Be aware of what "keeping a woman" entails, and consciously decide you want that and assume shes already shared that with you. She was always going to be yours.

Don't talk about break ups or divorce ever.

Nobody is perfect. That said you still have to be a "whole" person, happy with yourself before you try to make a life with someone else. That doesn't mean you have to be uber Chad, it means you need an honest assessment of your life.

Know your shortcomings, focus on fixing them.

Women look at your future prospects, you dont have to run the world but you do need a life plan for them to buy into. You also need that plan to be real and be taking steps to get there.

Women love success, they also love to feel like they had a hand in it. That makes you a team

Yes pay for the food.
Yes open their door. (forbid them from doing it)
Sit facing the door at any restaurant.
Learn what she likes to eat so you can order for her.
Walk on the street side of the sidewalk.
Never split a pole or object. (This is sappy but women appreciate it)

While hollywood ruined what relationships are supposed to be like for men and women, its still in their psyche. In the same way, machismo culture programmed you in a way that can make you incompatible with healthy marriage.

Youre still a man if you treat women well.

Women are susceptible to social pressures and bullying. You CAN change aspects of their behavior and world view. That said, taking on a woman as a "project" is a fools errand.

Dont waste time trying to reprogram a woman completely. If she has that many flaws, she's not for you.

Recap on Dating:
Look for women in places that guarantee mutual interests
Behave as if you've already made a lifetime of memories and youre her best friend.
If you dont have your own shit together you shouldnt be dating.
Be a gentleman.
Never attempt a complete reprogramming.

If all of that works out and youre looking at marriage, there are a list of things you should agree on or have an agreement on:

Politics
Kids and how many
Discipline for the kids
How she dresses
Her social media
Religion if any
The finality of marriage
That you will lead.

(continued) If all of that works out and youre looking at marriage, there are a list of things you should agree on or have an agreement on:

Friends of the opposite sex (none)
pets
not arguing in front of other people or kids
"no phones time"
budgeting for long term goals

(continued) If all of that works out and youre looking at marriage, there are a list of things you should agree on or have an agreement on:

Expected responsibilities for husband/wife
InLaw involvement and boundaries (both sides)
Sex to end fights
Shared passwords
health goals

Beyond the general things that you should be in agreement on ahead of time, here are some common issues ive run into and the solutions ive found for them.
This applies to both husband and wife as unacceptable.

Dont ever go to bed angry, have angry sex and talk about things after

Dont yell or call names. Youll both calm down later and regret it but cant take it back. That stuff adds up. You might get over it, she wont ever forget it.

Grabbing and hugging or kissing them, or just stop talking is always better than a mistake youll be reminded of for years

Dont start the day with a fight.
You can hold her to standards if you honor them yourself.
Dont do it.
Even if youre pissed.
If youre married you should love this person and either of you can be taken from life at any time.
Last words shouldnt be hateful, so no hanging up on ppl

Choose what hill to die on.
Some arguments arent worth having.
If its not really important, let her have the win.
She will feel validated and like her opinion matters, while you get something to fall back on when you're called a dictator for putting your foot down on an issue

Women value token things. If you want to keep one happy, learn what tokens she likes.

Sometimes its flowers, meal at a certain restaurant, song you know she likes, whatever.

Its not the object or thing to them, its that you remember.

You demand things, she wants stuff. trade.

Most females have tics like a standard autist.
Its not just leaving the seat down, its putting toilet paper on the roll so the loose leaf hangs in front instead of in back.

Because theyre scared of spiders when they reach to wipe their ass.

You get to cash these concessions in.

Footnote: None of this effort is worth doing "to get laid"

in fact, if youre just trying to get laid, youre the reason why good women are so hard to find.

this is specifically a primer for how to not fuck it up when you have a ring on her finger and want children.

Learn to fix things. You want her to cook and keep house.

She has an image of and expectations for a man the same as you have an idealized image of a woman.

Her putting on an apron and baking a pie is to you, what you replacing light fixtures or changing oil is to her.

If you dont take your family to church, you have assumed the role of educator for all philosophical instruction in your home.

Christianity fills alot of gaps in understanding the world, if you opt not to become involved, dont slack in carrying the burden of explanation yourself

The father gives the bride away for a reason. As a husband you assume that role.

While you are in fact dealing with an adult woman, she should still look to you for guidance, and need your discipline when she falters.

Be prepared for this and dont abuse the position.

Females generally panic when bad things happen.

You must not do this.

There are problems and there are solutions.

Do not add the panic step in the middle. Thats for women.
Your job is to not do that and to be the lighthouse in the storm. Move towards the answer.

Most of us dont care about holidays. Women do.

If you forget about a special occasion dont be surprised if she starts "forgetting" things you think are
important too.

If you dont want a fat wife, you should exercise regularly.
If you dont want a dirty house just clean it regularly.

Women use guilt as currency. Whether they verbalize it or not, they feel compelled to do things they know they should if they see you doing it.

Dont date or marry a "project" woman doesnt mean nagging is bad.

your ideal scenario is both people, with admitted flaws, bullying each other to self improvement.

as i said she should be your best friend, so she will know where you struggle and how to motivate you to overcome

The language used when saying "divorce" or "break up" is a self fulfilling prophecy.

The more times its threatened the more likely it is to happen.

if you want to survive as a couple never use this language.
agree early on that you want to make it, and label it forbidden.

Women like rules and punishments.
Degenerate or not "50 Shades of Grey" sold for a reason.

you assume the role of a father figure in marriage so dont hesitate to lay out rules, rewards and punishments.

*dont punish her with things she likes*

Women are social creatures who have an evolutionary predisposition to go with the crowd for survival.

They need more than "permission" and "evidence" to deviate from the safety of group think in most cases

Demonstrating ability to provide survival in the face of ostracism helps

Have a mutual understanding with your woman about "Time".

Huge fights now, or tragedy in the moment seems earth shaking.

In truth, 10-20 years from now its not such a big deal.
So dont destroy yourself or your marriage in the moment, when its the next 60 years at stake.

I could go on but I wont. I hope some of this helps some of our people in some way.

Just remember you are only yourself, no false bravado will help.

Set your sights on what you want in life and work towards it. Your dedication to your task is a lure of its own.

Good Luck Fam.