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For most of my adult life I have treated jokes as a defense mechanism. Humor is a powerful weapon for defusing emotion (that's the center piece of the "Bluebell" argument), and while that can be a useful tool for avoiding despair, I have made it into something else.
I turned joking and defusing into a weapon to avoid dealing with passion and enthusiasm, because I have spent a long time refusing to admit that my own passion--and the passions of other people--scare me.
I am not sorry for making jokes, puns, or wordplay, nor for wanting to use such to bring comfort, or break despair or cycles of negativity in myself or others.
But I have turned jokes into a spiked shield, protecting myself from others' passion by undercutting it.
But I have turned jokes into a spiked shield, protecting myself from others' passion by undercutting it.
And I'm sorry. My own discomfort with passion is a problem I have. Undercutting it in other people as a response is wrong, and using humor to do it is a compounded wrong.
I need to work on being more comfortable with passion (my own and others'), and stop responding with jokes.
I need to work on being more comfortable with passion (my own and others'), and stop responding with jokes.
To head off possible responses, I'm not seeking validation or approval of myself or my jokes; I'm stating publicly what my biggest social/societal issues are so that I remember to work on them. As a white-passing male in the US I can frequently avoid accountability.
This thread is a reminder to myself, to seek and confront my own issues and encourage accountability to myself.
I want to truly _earn_ your WILL NO, not summon and deploy it to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
Thank you, and I'm sorry.
I want to truly _earn_ your WILL NO, not summon and deploy it to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
Thank you, and I'm sorry.
