how to be a premier league commentator, a thread

at the start of every game always say “AND ITS LIVE”

always mention that mesut ozil could solve a creativity issue for arsenal

in every leeds match explain how bielsa knows everything about football

“he needs to test the keeper there”

mention how the first goal could be very important within the first 10 minutes

“it’s a game of two halves”

“mark noble is a no nonsense player

if any player is slightly out of position, make sure to describe it as “schoolboy defending”

“needs to beat the first man” (at every failed corner)

always be shocked that harry kane can pass

“no one at the end of it” (whenever bellerin crosses the ball)

“i’ve seen them given” to literally any foul not called

describe any small foreign player as “such a clever player”

“there’s no easy games at this level”

“it’s a funny old game”

harry winks passes the ball - “tidy little player”

“the keeper will be disappointed with conceding at his near post”

player touches the ball twice in 5 minutes - “he’s really growing into the game”

Mention Liverpool's home record at lesst twice and ask if this is the team to finally end it. When they don't act as if you always knew they wouldn't

Solly March is to be called 'Solly March' at alll times. Never 'March'.

“Did you know that Conor Coady used to play for Liverpool?”

Every set piece is "straight off the training ground"

Where else would it be from??

anytime thiago silva wins the ball - “vast experience”

when a player misses the shot always say “he was always leaning back as he hit it”

like n retweet so any aspiring commentator can see this standard training kit