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The Kaduna Hall of Transcorp Hilton was filled with women. Nine hundred and thirty-four women in total.
They were all delegates to the weeklong 65th National Conference of the Allied Kindred of United Women Nigerian Ashawos (AKWỤNA).
They were all delegates to the weeklong 65th National Conference of the Allied Kindred of United Women Nigerian Ashawos (AKWỤNA).
On a raised platform, was a long table covered with white linen tablecloth embroidered with pink, purple and yellow flowers. Behind it sat ten women of different ages, sizes and complexions. They were all accomplished and members of every strata of society.
One of them read from the agenda of the day.
“Our grand patroness would’ve loved to be here with us today but she’s attending the World Presidents Convention at the Hague. She promised that if time permits, she’ll join in via Zoom and give us a word of encouragement.”
“Our grand patroness would’ve loved to be here with us today but she’s attending the World Presidents Convention at the Hague. She promised that if time permits, she’ll join in via Zoom and give us a word of encouragement.”
The round of excited applause went on for a few minutes. The woman asked them to quiet down.
“Still on the agenda for today, we've been informed that two of our members didn’t win the Delta Central and Eket senatorial districts. These seats were won men.”
“Still on the agenda for today, we've been informed that two of our members didn’t win the Delta Central and Eket senatorial districts. These seats were won men.”
A murmur of dismay and disapproval rose around the room. One of the delegates, a woman from Enugu North, shot out of seat in anger.
“What?! This is unbelievable! How could these men win those seats through mere campaigning and hard work?”
“I wonder o,” said another delegate.
“What?! This is unbelievable! How could these men win those seats through mere campaigning and hard work?”
“I wonder o,” said another delegate.
The first woman continued. “These members are not doing enough. They’re wasting bottom power and should be fined.”
“YES!” almost everyone in the room chorused.
A few disagreed and vocally expressed their views. It wasn’t every time women won.
“YES!” almost everyone in the room chorused.
A few disagreed and vocally expressed their views. It wasn’t every time women won.
These days, men were fighting hard to stay relevant. For years, they’d been complaining that women don’t work hard—it was common knowledge that they all slept their way to the top. A small rebel group had even arisen against the women.
Known as the Association of Niggas Trained to Incapacitate the Allied Kindred of United Women Nigerian Ashawos, a.k.a ANTI-AKWUNA, their aim was to destroy the work of all the hardworking ashawos in the country.
“They’ve even infiltrated our ranks,” cried one of the delegates.
“They’ve even infiltrated our ranks,” cried one of the delegates.
"Just two days ago, my colleague confessed that she’d fallen in love with a male colleague. Both of them are up for promotion.
Instead of doing the normal thing and sleeping her way into the new position, she said she’s going to write the exams and attend the interview.”
Instead of doing the normal thing and sleeping her way into the new position, she said she’s going to write the exams and attend the interview.”
A collective gasp of unadulterated horror filled the room. What kind of witchcraft was this? A woman, trying to earn her position by merit? What is the world coming to? Oh, the absolute horror!
It took a while to settle the furore that arose from that terrible revelation.
It took a while to settle the furore that arose from that terrible revelation.
To distract the angry women and get back to business, the chairwoman signalled for the ushers to bring in small chops and drinks.
As delegates settled down and began to chew on their snacks and drink their soft drinks, the chairwoman announced that it was time for testimonies.
As delegates settled down and began to chew on their snacks and drink their soft drinks, the chairwoman announced that it was time for testimonies.
The first to take the stage was a stout woman with a generous bosom, bushy eyebrows and pleasant dimples. She came out and paused to smile at everyone in the room.
“I want to say a very big thank you to our able and affable leaders,” she enthused, her face bright with joy.
“I want to say a very big thank you to our able and affable leaders,” she enthused, her face bright with joy.
“I joined the monthly trainings six months ago because I was tired of hard work. Since then, I've risen from the position of office cleaner to the CEO of Usuma Oil & Gas.
If I'd known it was this easy, I'd have done it years ago. This is just the beginning. I will do more!"
If I'd known it was this easy, I'd have done it years ago. This is just the beginning. I will do more!"
The hall erupted in celebratory cheers. She was followed by five other women with identical testimonies.
“I can’t believe I used to feel insulted when I go to the market and those traders call me ashawo,” said the last lady, a curvy twenty-five-year-old accountant.
“I can’t believe I used to feel insulted when I go to the market and those traders call me ashawo,” said the last lady, a curvy twenty-five-year-old accountant.
“Ever since I accepted who I am, things have been going well for me. Now when they call me ashawo, I even dash them money. It’s not easy to be one.”
Just as she finished, the chief usher climbed the podium and informed the chairwoman that the President was standing by on Zoom.
Just as she finished, the chief usher climbed the podium and informed the chairwoman that the President was standing by on Zoom.
She relayed the news to the women and a hush fell over the room. The large screen behind them sputtered to life and the face of President Ana-inaa. The gave her a standing ovation.
“Thank you, thank you, my fellow ashawos, akaparas, akwuna-akwunas, and karuwais.
“Thank you, thank you, my fellow ashawos, akaparas, akwuna-akwunas, and karuwais.
It's with great joy that I speak to you today. We've accomplished much more than our mothers.”
After ten minutes, she drew to the end of her speech.
“So, I admonish you to redouble your efforts. Whenever you feel like giving up, look at me and take me as your role model.
After ten minutes, she drew to the end of her speech.
“So, I admonish you to redouble your efforts. Whenever you feel like giving up, look at me and take me as your role model.
When others said I couldn’t do it, I ignored the naysayers and set my eyes on the goal. I wanted to be the President of Nigeria and nothing was going to stop me.
I slept with party chiefs, delegates, campaign officers, and representatives of the thirty-million male voters.
I slept with party chiefs, delegates, campaign officers, and representatives of the thirty-million male voters.
It wasn’t easy but I did it. We will not give up until all the top positions in the country are occupied by women. So, forge on and use that bottom power. We rise by lifting our legs up!”
The hall exploded in a deafening cheer.
The hall exploded in a deafening cheer.
Women screamed, high-fived, fist-bumped, and chest-thumped one another. It felt so good to be an ashawo! Yasss queens!
Fifteen minutes later, the day’s meeting drew to a close. All the delegates rose up to sing their anthem.
Fifteen minutes later, the day’s meeting drew to a close. All the delegates rose up to sing their anthem.
Their voices rang out in a beautiful blend of trebles, tenors, altos and bass.
"Women obey the clarion call,
Rise up and sleep your way to the top.
Under the sun and in the rain,
With dedication and selfishness,
Nigeria’s ass, Nigeria we serve."
The End.
"Women obey the clarion call,
Rise up and sleep your way to the top.
Under the sun and in the rain,
With dedication and selfishness,
Nigeria’s ass, Nigeria we serve."
The End.
This is dedicated to all the women who have ever been called ashawo. See you at our next Annual Conference. This work we do is not easy.
Be safe out there, you hear?
Bottom power!
Be safe out there, you hear?
Bottom power!
