FRIENDS, some news:

This weekend, I made and consumed one of only 1,000 Kraft Mac and Cheese Pumpkin Spice kits in existence.

What follows is a thread. #PumpkinSpiceKMC

Some background: as many of you know, I have strong, correct opinions about seasonal foods. Specifically, that pumpkin flavored items should not be available before Oct. 1.

This in turn has led to many on this website trolling me for my - I must stress, correct - opinions.

Enter Kraft Mac and Cheese, which in September tweeted the following: https://twitter.com/kraftmacncheese/status/1309462657745944578

As you can imagine, a number of my “friends” here online tweeted at Kraft that I should be the winner. Among them was @TheDEWLine, a true Troll Legend who likes to take photos of other reporters who fall asleep on work trips.

Here he is, looking confused.

Anyway, in October, it turns out Steve actually won the damn thing. At which point, I knew my fate was sealed.

(In a next-level troll move, Kraft didn't actually send the kits out until after pumpkin spice season was done.)

Finally, in late November, the kit arrived at my house. And what a kit it was. Look how special this thing is packaged! It has heft and gravitas!

They really designed this thing for a prestige unboxing experience. Includes a special coffee to-go cup designed to make it look like an actual pumpkin spice latte. And a spork.

“! of 1,000 batches.” This is a collector’s item. I am honored, and also horrified. #PumpkinSpiceKMC

Instructions seem simple enough. If you were wondering what goes into a Kraft Mac and Cheese Pumpkin Spice packet, the answer seems largely to be “a shitload of sugar.”

Here we go, god help us all. Did you guys know you’re supposed to use half a stick of butter in Kraft Mac and Cheese? That seems like a lot?

Anyway, once it's all cheesy, in goes the spice.

Finally: the finish product. And as directed, I topped it off with a sprinkle of cinnamon for the true look.

This would prove to be an awful mistake I am still regretting.

Now, the first bites. You can hear my wife’s disgusted commentary running throughout this video. Also, I don’t know why I was unable to eat it without it falling everywhere. Maybe it’s a metaphor.

Ok, so that was my first, trying to be positive experience. Here, a minute later, was another take.

Ultimately, I had one more bite and then threw it out. The parts without the cinnamon were better, but…. guys I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty damn gross overall. Way too sweet, kinda cheesy, texturally weird?

It took me an hour to get the taste out of my mouth.

Final verdict: This has no place existing in a civilized country, so I think the Kraft Mac and Cheese Pumpkin Spice package is the perfect food to sum up 2020 in America.

God bless us, each and every one.