INSURANCE: Hello, thank you for calling. How may I help you today?

ME: I'm trying to get a medication approved for my patient.

INSURANCE: Can you give me the patient's name, DOB, your NPI number, and the medication?

ME: *says those things*

INSURANCE: Hold, please.

*5 minutes of hold music*

INSURANCE: I'm going to transfer you to another department, okay.

ME: Okay.

*5 more minutes of hold music*

AUTOMATED VOICE: Hello! This call may be monitored for quality assurance? Please state if you're a member or prescriber.

ME: Prescriber.

AV: Okay. Can you please give me the patient's date of birth?

ME: 11/5/1963

AV: I heard 10/5/1963. Is this correct?

ME: No.

AV: Okay. Can you please give me the patient's date of birth?

ME: 11/5/1963

AV: I heard 11/5/1953. Is this correct?

ME: No.

AV: Hold on. Let me transfer you to someone who can help.

*5 minutes of hold music*

INSURANCE: Hello, thank you for calling. How may I help you today?

ME: Please, I just want a medication approved.

I: Okay. Can you give me the patient's name, DOB, your NPI, and the medication?

ME: *says those things in an annoyed tone*

I: Okay, can you hold please?

ME: I-

*5 minutes of hold music plays*

I: I'll have to transfer you to our pharmacy services. Hold, please.

ME: I just wan-

*5 minutes of hold music plays*

PHARMACY SERVICES: How may I help you today?

ME: I just want a medication approved for my patient.

PS: May I have the patient's name, DOB, your NPI, and the medication please?

ME: *Says those things while pinching himself*

PS: Okay, I'll have to transfer you. One moment.

*5 minutes of hold music*

AUTOMATED VOICE: ...

ME: ...

AV: I'm sorry. I didn't get that.

ME: GET WHAT?

AV: Let's try again. Please say whether you are a member or a provider.

ME: PROVIDER.

AV: Okay. Please say your NPI.

ME: *says NPI*

AV: Okay. I heard *different number*. Is that correct.

ME: NO

AV: Okay. Please say your NPI.

ME: *says NPI*

AV: Okay. I heard *different number*. Is that correct?

ME: NO

AV: Okay. Please say your NPI.

ME: *cries*

AV: Let me transfer you to someone who can help.

ME: *whimpers*

*5 minutes of hold music*

I: *amongst static* He--o? H-w ma- - h-lp y--?

ME: Hello?

I: H-ll-?

ME: Hello?

I: -an -ou t-ll me y--r NPI?

ME: What

I: L-t me tr--sfe- you. H-ld, pl--se.

*5 minutes of static*

PHARMACY SERVICES: Hello! How may I help you.

ME: I don't even know anymore. How long have I been on this phone. What day is it.

PS: It's 20,000 AD. All life has been wiped out. You are the only surviving member of humanity

ME: What?

PS: Look out the window.

ME: *Turns towards the window to see a desert hellscape, painted red with the blood of all humanity dried and cracking over every square inch of scorched earth; floating at eye level is a single, terrifying angel holding an iPhone*

ANGEL: You are all that's left.

ANGEL: Now... what do you want of me?

ME: *cries*

ANGEL: *booming* WHAT DO YOU WANT OF ME, MORTAL

ME: *sobs intensely*

ANGEL: SPEAK

ME: *babbling* All I wanted was to authorize a medication for my patient!

ANGEL: HOLD, PLEASE.

*5 minute of infernal screams*

GOD: Hello, how may I help you today?

ME: ...

GOD: I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

ME: ... I, uh... want to approve a medication for my patient

GOD: May I have the patient's name, DOB, your NPI, and the medication?

ME: I... uh...

GOD: I'm kidding, I know all that already.

GOD: I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can get the prior authorization started right away and you should hear back in 72 hours!

ME: Uh, okay.

GOD: The bad news is that your patient is dead. Everyone is dead. They all died long ago.

GOD: You are the only human left. You are doomed to wander this lifeless husk of a planet, alone and afraid, until the sun goes supernova and swallows you in a painful fire, scorching every nerve in your body until you are dust.

Hold, please.

*eternal silence*