So I hesitate to do this, and I’ve had a few really bad mental health months, but I’ve been thinking about it awhile and I’m tired of hiding this shit so I’m going to come out and say it: I’ve been diagnosed with what was once called Asperger’s since I was 8 years old. 1/

When you have a neurological/behavioral disability a majority of your trauma comes from other people and yourself. That may sound maudlin, but it’s true. You are operating in a world that was not designed for you, and you’re left with a choice, to disclose or not to disclose. 2/

And either way you’re just fucked. If you keep it to yourself then you’re held back by expectations of normalcy, and if you disclose then you’re hamstrung by media depictions of a benevolent human computer like The Good Doctor, Rainman, or Big Bang Theory. 3/

If you deviate from either of these norms... If you admit disability, but insist on agency, or you deny it but are at all off-kilter, then you are punished. Interpersonally, by social structures and by the very nature of exploitation via capitalism. 4/

People on the higher end of the spectrum don’t need to be generally “fixed” because we aren’t really broken. I understand neurotypical people perfectly fine, because I had to spend 10 to 15 years of my life having to learn to in order to survive. 5/

I have the same emotions as neurotypical people, the same or similar senses of empathy, justice, and morality. But I can’t always communicate in the same language without being inauthentic or feeling like I’m acting. Like a person who speaks English as a second language. 6/

If someone in your life spends the equivalent of 10,000 hours of their life learning how to say things like “contemporary”, “apropos” and “regardless”, but you balk at having to learn that “agua” means “water” the few times they mix it up? That isn’t entirely their bad. 7/

Neuro-divergent people who can pass don’t want to be fixed, and they shouldn’t have to be, they want to be understood. Or met halfway, or failing that at least have someone meet them out on the 10 yard line. They’ve spent years accommodating others. 8/

This post is a pretty good example of what I mean. What’s being described isn’t a lack of humanity, but a different expression of the same. 9/

When I was diagnosed the primary source of therapeutic treatment had the same essential goals of most conversion therapies, which was to make sure you seem normal regardless of and without much in the way for consideration for how the individual copes with life. 10/

You get it drilled into you subconsciously that anything that doesn’t code correctly makes you worthless, that an ASD makes you unworthy of love or friendship or work, etc. and the best strategy is to hide it. 11/

I didn’t have a choice about whether or not to disclose until I was about 14 years old, the school district just basically sent me out to Mars, and everyone knew. Once I got to the age where your agency is (marginally) respected I chose to not disclose. 12/

Partially for the sake of my career and my ability to function in society, but also because of a deep-seated belief that somehow, some way, I’d be “cured” if I took just one more step. I’d be neurotypical if I mastered just this one communication technique, etc. 13/

And of course, that’s not how it works. COVID and 9 months of isolation and anxiety have basically brought me to the lowest functionality of my adult life, I’ve lost a lot of the skills I’ve built up at least temporarily, and I’m seeing a therapist to help me function again. 14/

But I don’t think I can thrive by rebuilding on another foundation of sand, so this thread is more for me than anyone else. On balance I see this as a good thing, looking back some patterns I wasn’t aware of have kind of become clear.15/

I could go into specifics beyond that or my fears in announcing this, but again I don’t really feel like being more morose than I’ve been. I’ve carried this weight for 20 years, I’m done with it. So, I don’t know, that’s me. 16/16

A couple people have asked if they can RT this because they want to, or they feel it'd be helpful and if you want to then feel free. I maintain a public shitposting account here, and I am always good for a RT.