Read on Twitter
Grad school is mentally and emotionally taxing, but dealing with grief on top of that is…. there’s nothing like it. And unfortunately, many more grad students are dealing with loss rn than usual.
For any grad students navigating loss rn, here is what I learned: https://twitter.com/klaussmouse/status/1338312525096443905
For any grad students navigating loss rn, here is what I learned: https://twitter.com/klaussmouse/status/1338312525096443905
(1) Universities usually have free counseling. Use it.
Even on the days that you feel fine, go. You’ll be surprised how much grief you can tuck behind your lab work. I went to therapy during work hours, called it a lunch break. Your labmates will not ask why your eyes are red.
Even on the days that you feel fine, go. You’ll be surprised how much grief you can tuck behind your lab work. I went to therapy during work hours, called it a lunch break. Your labmates will not ask why your eyes are red.
(2) Some days, you might stare at the wall for hours.
Hours will pass and you won’t be sure how you managed to do absolutely nothing. These days come and go. Don’t fight them. Your mind is working on something bigger than work, it’s trying to process what happened.
Hours will pass and you won’t be sure how you managed to do absolutely nothing. These days come and go. Don’t fight them. Your mind is working on something bigger than work, it’s trying to process what happened.
(3) You’ll learn that nothing bad happens if you leave the lab for 2 months.
I left to clean out my parents' house. When I came back, the experiment needed tuning, but nothing catastrophic. If I had known this, I would have taken more breaks to visit while they were alive.
I left to clean out my parents' house. When I came back, the experiment needed tuning, but nothing catastrophic. If I had known this, I would have taken more breaks to visit while they were alive.
(4) Work is almost too good of a bottle.
You can bottle up your feelings by burying yourself in work: obsessing over the latest results and working overtime to make up for lost hours. But when you bottle up your feelings, all it takes is one light shake for you to explode.
You can bottle up your feelings by burying yourself in work: obsessing over the latest results and working overtime to make up for lost hours. But when you bottle up your feelings, all it takes is one light shake for you to explode.
(5) You might cry at work.
And you might not know why. And that’s ok. It might be weeks, or months, or years later. Take a deep breath, excuse yourself, and go outside. If you dislike unexpected crying, depressurize your bottle; therapy or talking to others can help.
And you might not know why. And that’s ok. It might be weeks, or months, or years later. Take a deep breath, excuse yourself, and go outside. If you dislike unexpected crying, depressurize your bottle; therapy or talking to others can help.
(6) Talk to others.
Talk to your friends, your cohort, your labmates. Not everyone will understand or be comfortable, but you’ll be surprised at the number of people who are. And you might find comfort in learning about the grief and struggles that others are fighting.
Talk to your friends, your cohort, your labmates. Not everyone will understand or be comfortable, but you’ll be surprised at the number of people who are. And you might find comfort in learning about the grief and struggles that others are fighting.
(7) People will say you are brave for not dropping out.
When in fact you’re too scared to leave. You might now know what else you're supposed to do. The need to be somewhere, and to do something, might be the only thing holding you together right now, and that’s ok.
When in fact you’re too scared to leave. You might now know what else you're supposed to do. The need to be somewhere, and to do something, might be the only thing holding you together right now, and that’s ok.
(8) You might stay. Or you might leave.
Grief changes your perspective. It’s not good or bad change, just change. Maybe it will reinvigorate your desire to do science. Maybe it will change your priorities away from science, not for better or worse, just different.
Grief changes your perspective. It’s not good or bad change, just change. Maybe it will reinvigorate your desire to do science. Maybe it will change your priorities away from science, not for better or worse, just different.
(9) The days preceding a holiday are rougher than the holiday.
When the actual holiday or anniversary arrives, it’s just another day. But the days leading up to it are full of anxiety and bittersweet memories. Even seemingly innocuous holidays can have many memories
When the actual holiday or anniversary arrives, it’s just another day. But the days leading up to it are full of anxiety and bittersweet memories. Even seemingly innocuous holidays can have many memories
(10) Tough relationships can be the hardest to grieve.
We all miss people who were kind to us. But sometimes the folks with whom we had a conflict we always hoped to resolve, are the hardest to lose because there are many more feelings — guilt, anger, etc — along with sadness.
We all miss people who were kind to us. But sometimes the folks with whom we had a conflict we always hoped to resolve, are the hardest to lose because there are many more feelings — guilt, anger, etc — along with sadness.
(11) These lessons don’t apply to everyone.
Everyone grieves differently, and every loss is different. I grieved my mom differently from my dad differently from my advisor. Some people grieve over months, and others ebb in and out of it for years.
Everyone grieves differently, and every loss is different. I grieved my mom differently from my dad differently from my advisor. Some people grieve over months, and others ebb in and out of it for years.
(12) If someone you know is grieving, reach out.
Offer something specific. “I’m buying groceries, do you need anything?” “I’m sending you takeout, what do you want?” “Do you want to go for a walk together? When is a good time for you?”
Offer something specific. “I’m buying groceries, do you need anything?” “I’m sending you takeout, what do you want?” “Do you want to go for a walk together? When is a good time for you?”
specific offers are better than a vague "let me know if you need anything." When I was in the worst of it, my mind was too cluttered to think of what I needed.
