thinking about how much of what is traditionally framed as "romantic" relies on one's partner(s) having neurotypical executive functioning

things like remembering anniversaries, doing elaborate planning, and focusing all of one's attention on someone else

i am neuroatypical and i date a lot of folks who are, too. but even though we may be in the same general boat, all of our brains are unique.

something i've been working on, in my own mind, is re-framing what romance/love/care can look like. expanding my scope.

adults have a particular and specific map of relational expectations we get impressed upon us from our early interactions w/ caregivers, friends, etc.

when we are young, that's our only touch point. so we carry that into our other relationships as we age. often w/o knowing it.

that's extremely normal and not something to judge. (look up attachment theory for a general overview of this idea. or if you want to go deeper, objects relations theory/internal working models of relationships.)

still, it can mean that we go into our adult relationships with certain expectations about how things will look or work. we go in with hopes and desires that are pieces of our previous experiences of care all threaded together.

but so does the other person(s).

and is is impossible for those frameworks to map onto each other perfectly and completely, because we all grew up differently.

therein lies the ... well. not """problem."""

it's more like a puzzle. [setting aside all the bullshit about ableist puzzle piece metaphors for a sec]

two (or several) people are then faced with this beautiful conundrum: how do i love you when i learned to love like *this*? and how do you love me when you learned to love like *that*?

and on top of that, those frameworks all the parties learned? they don't arise in some neat and tidy vacuum. they are overlaid with all of the cultural trappings of the society we grew up in. all the isms and the media portrayals are there, too.

disney movies are a great example of this.

did you go in expecting your first kiss to feel like fireworks exploding in your body? did you go in expecting a first kiss /at all/? (why is kissing tied to the dawning of true love?) when was it supposed to happen? with whom?

a lot of us don't grow up with these questions about our various love-frameworks. and it can create situations that are frustrating and painful.

how many times have i heard someone say, "he didn't remember your anniversary?! it's like he doesn't care about you at all!"

and sometimes, that /does/ mean someone doesn't care about you.

but ... at least in my experience dating neurodiverse folks, that usually isn't the case.

if my partner forgets that my favorite color is blue, does that mean they don't care about me enough to remember it?

or is it just that they have a different brain than mine?

if my partner doesn't express empathy exactly how i learned it, does that mean they are apathetic about supporting me? that they don't want to put in the effort to understand me?

or is it just that they have a different framework for giving/receiving interpersonal support?

let me be very clear: you are allowed to be sad or frustrated or disappointed, in those moments where your frameworks don't match up. it can hurt a lot, especially if it touches on a deep childhood wound- a place of harm or lack.

*and*

it doesn't inherently mean you aren't loved. it doesn't inherently mean you aren't compatible, even.

it may mean you need to learn about each other and work to expand your framework for what care looks like.

this is part of why the idea of "love languages" are so popular, why the original concept has been the subject of memes and everyday conversation.

we are learning how to love each other. and this is the gorgeous -- and yes, frustrating, effortful, sometimes confusing -- work of being humans in connection with one another.

it can be a deeply rewarding experience, to consider what kinds of care are easiest for you to believe and internalize and feel.

and then ask for it.

and help your partner(s) learn to do it, using all the tools available.

and then do the same for them.

it can be a deeply rewarding experience, also, to consider where your framework might warrant changing.

i am noticing this in my own relationships, and am trying to pause, in those moments where my cultural conditioning kicks in and i feel hurt:

first, my partner doesn't respond exactly how i'd like to my stating that i am struggling. then, i feel disappointed... sometimes even thwarted. irritated. sometimes even angry.

Side note: for me, intense feelings are often a sign that this is touching on a Childhood Thing (tm).

often, at this juncture, i feel shame.

i remind myself that OF COURSE i am feeling that way [gestures at thread]

i remind myself that it DOESN'T mean i am wrong to state how i'm feeling. but neither is my partner wrong by responding from their own vantage point, from their own framework.

this is, actually, what i would call "the magic moment"

this is the moment when i can say, "actually, i am having a hard time feeling heard. can you repeat back to me what you heard me say?"

or

"will you ask me questions about how i'm feeling so that i can figure out what's going on?"

or

"will you help me think of things to help me feel better?"

or

"i just want to vent"

or

"i want to hear your voice"

or

"i don't know what i need right now."

or, simply,

"i think something different would be more helpful."

and then, we have a conversation.

is it work? yes.

does it mean i have to practice things that are difficult for me (e.g., speaking up about my needs, being honest about feeling hurt)? yes.

does it also mean i've realized that some of my relationship expectations are rooted in ableist notions of what """real""" care looks like? yes.

has it made my relationships more fulfilling and intimate and safe and real? yes. a thousand times yes.

anyway i think i'm done with this thread for now. thanks for reading my pile of thoughts about love and accessibility. :)