I just won the Mary Gates Research Scholarship, a competitive research award for undergrads at my university.

This will probs go on my CV.. people will think I'm smart

But here's what I haven't told you yet. I was rejected from this scholarship.. twice [thread]

People only see the wins, not the losses it took to get there. The application process requires an essay, transcript, project proposal, letters of rec.

After my first rejection, I was kind of ashamed to ask my mentor to write me a letter for the next one.

Like many people in academia.. I didn't wanna look dumb.

This only hurt me and resulted in self sabotage.

I didn't want to confront my failure, so I procrastinated on the next application.

Subconsciously I put in less effort so that when I get rejected (as I thought I inevitably would) I could make the excuse to myself that I just didn't put in enough effort and totally could have got it if I did

I could preserve the myth of "the talented slacker" with myself

But not only is that weak, it's stupid. There's nothing good about being a "talented slacker." A slacker's a slacker.

If this is you, don't be like me. Fix up.

Go after what you want with everything you have

I realized something important here. I had tied self-esteem to being "smart."

And that was holding me back. It was stopping me from examining my failures, learning from them, and giving it my all

To my smart friends, embrace being dumb!

Being smart is nothing. Being effective is everything.

There's a lot of pressure to be "smart" but.. why? Societal brownie points? Empty, meaningless

Focus on being effective

So I decided to apply a third time. My PI was probably thinking "man, another letter for this idiot kid?"

He's great, helped me a ton despite being so busy and encouraged me to go for it

This time I held nothing back. Ruthlessly took apart my old application and went after it systematically

And I got it. If I had been afraid of looking too dumb to ask again I'd have left a lot of money on the table

So what's the point here? I won a scholarship, which usually symbolizes being "smart."

But if I had stuck to my self-identity of being "smart" I never would have gotten it.

Forget looking smart. Embrace being "dumb"!

After all, I'd rather be a dumb winner than a smart loser